Best Movies Of 2011 (of what I saw this year)

Okay, I'm a bit late with this...but everything on the internet is either immediately forgotten or forever timeless, right? So I can shoot for timeless, and hope for the best.

Remember, this is not a best-of list for movies released in 2011, but of those I happened (managed) to see throughout the year. Usually for free, from the library (I'm kinda broke). And since I can't necessarily see everything I want to, these movies stand out from the bunch, because I'll watch anything I can get my eyes on...anything.

If you haven't seen these movies, see them! If you have, tell me what you think!

Black Swan
Brought me back into the Aronofsky camp (tentatively). I can't stand The Fountain and I hate The Wrestler, so I picked it up with some trepidation - but this is finally the same guy who made Pi & Requiem For A Dream, and I like that guy. His movies, anyway. And, Oscars aside, Natalie Portman is very good here. So are Mila Kunis, Winona Ryder, & Barbara Hershey. Truly, truly good.

(500) Days Of Summer
What I mainly respond to here is the emotional reality it portrays of being in a relationship that isn't what you thought it was or wanted it to be...in that regard, it's brilliant. It's also occasionally silly and broadly comic, but hey, it's a movie! And it has a wonderful balance of drama among the goofy jokes and full-on musical numbers.

Cold Souls
An inventive idea, well executed, with Paul Giamatti at his most Paul Giamattiish  - playing a fictional version of himself. Often amazing, always enjoyable, and with many great little touches here and there. Must-watch deleted scenes on the DVD: variations of his literally soul-less rehearsals for Uncle Vanya. Utterly priceless, and hilarious.

Robin Hood
So what if Ridley Scott almost completely changed one of the most highly touted screenplays of the last few years! So what if Russell Crowe is the oldest actor (45 at the time) to play the role! It's a good story - conflict, action, a bit of romance - and a new look at a familiar legend. Judge it on its own terms and it's definitely entertaining.

Black Dynamite
I'm not even sure what to say about this; it speaks for itself so incredibly well. This movie is crazy funny, even if you've never seen an example of the films they're making fun of. Because you've certainly seen poorly made cinematic trash before, which is mainly what this movie celebrates. Honestly, just rent it. Just watch it. Guaranteed chuckles, I promise you.

How To Train Your Dragon
While there is a certain simplicity in the storytelling here, being a movie aimed at children, it's still funny, touching, and beautifully animated. No pandering to the audience, no stupid crap you often see in kid-friendly movies...just good old-fashioned fun. And no, it doesn't make sense that vikings would sound either Scottish or American, but come on - DRAGONS!


Coming soon: The Worst Of 2011. There will be swearing...

What An Asshole!

Finally, the long-delayed sequel to movie Bitches: Assholes!

In terms of film history, there are a lot more to choose from here, as movies have a lot of villains - and villains tend to be Assholes. Rarely is the protagonist the Asshole, unless he becomes a better person by the end - like Bill Murray’s Phil Connors in Groundhog Day, a fine example of an Asshole protagonist.

So, given the depth & breadth of movie Assholes (ha ha), this is but a small selection of representatives. Spoilers abound, but these movies have been around a while; anything you didn’t know is your own fault. And again, apologies for any oddities in layout & formatting...if it bothers you, try not to be an asshole about it.

Mr. Blonde/Vic Vega (Michael Madsen) in Reservoir Dogs

The Psychopath Asshole
Yes, he is cool. And while he is also quite the badass, he did turn a simple robbery into a bloodbath, for no apparent reason other than he kinda felt like it. And what does he do, after shooting a bunch of people and getting several of his cohorts shot or killed? He shoves a rookie cop in his trunk, stops for a bite to eat, cuts off the poor guy’s ear, and prepares to burn him alive. Not exactly Mr. Normal here.

“If they hadn’t ‘a done what I told ‘em not to do, they’d still be alive.”

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Randal Graves (Jeff Anderson) in Clerks

The Vulgar Asshole
The antithesis of his best (and apparently only) friend Dante, Randal says whatever he thinks - and does whatever he wants - because he’s free to be himself. Unconcerned with whom he offends or how badly, he has no qualms about ordering a long list of porn videos over the phone in front of a little girl and her mom, or spitting water on a guy just to prove that title doesn’t dictate behavior. And the truth is, he’s not a bad person - he simply never bothers to keep his mouth shut.

“This job would be great if it wasn’t for the fuckin’ customers.”

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Biff Tannen (Thomas F Wilson) in Back To The Future

The Bully Asshole
One mark of a great performer is the ability to play a character very much unlike oneself - Tom Wilson, the actor, is in fact quite shy, and gentle, and sweet. Biff, on the other hand, torments and harasses every single person he interacts with: the McFlys, Lorraine, his group of so-called friends, even his grandmother (in Part II)...though she doesn’t seem especially fond of him either. We never get much more insight into his behavior, but clearly, he has issues.

“What’re you lookin’ at, butthead?”

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Hank Evans (Jim Carrey) in Me, Myself & Irene

The Unstable Asshole
Never mind the enormous lack of clinical accuracy regarding severe mental health concerns; Hank appears in the moments when Charlie - the nice guy host personality - is psychologically incapable of standing up for himself. But Hank’s been suppressed so long, once he’s loose he goes WAY overboard. He assaults several people, insults everyone else, destroys plenty of property...and leaves the mess for poor Charlie to clean up.

“Hey, ringworm...yeah I’m talkin’ to you, you toxic waste of life.”

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Hopper (Kevin Spacey) in A Bug’s Life

The Insecure Asshole
So what if it’s G-rated animation; an Asshole’s an Asshole! Hopper’s whole theory of life is this: knock the other guy down before he realizes he could knock you down. So while he and the other grasshoppers are three times the size of the ants, those ants outnumber them a hundred to one - and if the ants ever figure that out, those lazy grasshoppers might have to do something for themselves.

“If I hadn’t promised Mother, on her deathbed, that I wouldn’t kill you...I would kill you!”

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Ian Malcolm & Dennis Nedry (Jeff Goldblum & Wayne Knight) in Jurassic Park

The Genius Asshole
Two sides of the same obnoxious coin, they both think and act on the conviction they’re smarter than everyone around them - and they both pay for it. Their egos get them maimed, incapacitated, and in Nedry’s case, eaten. While it’s a good thing to use one’s superior knowledge in the advancement of science and understanding, it isn’t nice to rub everyone’s nose in it.

“Did I go too fast? I did a fly-by.”

“Ah-ah-ah...you didn’t say the magic word!”

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David (Dylan Moran) in Shaun of the Dead

The Uptight Asshole
The spoilsport, the party pooper, the guy who insists on disparaging everyone and everything under discussion or under way. He’s insulting, passive-aggressive, argumentative, and really shouldn’t have been pointing that gun at Shaun’s mum (even if she was a z-word). In his defense, he does finally stop whining and complaining - unless you count the screaming - once the hungry masses tear his limbs from his torso as they’re devouring it.

“Basically, I’d say your nine lives were up, Shaun.”

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Jim (Anthony Michael Hall) in Edward Scissorhands

The Jealous Asshole
At some point, he must have had a certain appeal - or Winona Ryder’s Kim wouldn’t be his girlfriend - but now he’s constantly abusive and demanding. When he sees a more respectful relationship developing between the “freak” he hates and the girl he loves (read: has chosen to possess as though she were property), he turns increasingly violent...and becomes one of 8 Assholes on this list to end up dead.

“Are you serious? Lose you to that? He isn’t even human!”

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Jasper Bloom (Rufus Sewell) in The Holiday

The Conceited Asshole
Selfish and self-centered, not only does he cheat on the women who love him, he uses them, coaxes them into taking care of things for him, and somehow still manages to make them desire his attention. He’s got such a ridiculous sense of entitlement that he literally can’t believe it - seriously; he would have considered it impossible if the idea could have even occurred to him - when Kate Winslet’s Iris finally frees herself from him emotionally.

“So you are eventually gonna look at me, aren’t you?”

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Kit Ramsey (Eddie Murphy) in Bowfinger

The Movie Star Asshole
Kit does have genuine psychological issues - and the movie’s protagonists are certainly messing with him - but that’s no excuse for constantly berating everyone around him. He also looks for trouble where there is none, scanning a script to count the instances of the letter K and calling it a racist conspiracy when that number (1456) is divisible by three (which it isn’t). He’s gotten so used to being treated like a superstar he expects every whim to be catered to - no matter how crazy he sounds.

“I’m the biggest black action star in the world! Where’s my ‘Hasta la vista, baby’ ? If Arnold Schwarzencracker is gettin’ to say lines like that, you better make sure that Kit Ramsey has shit that’s equally well-written!”

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Kent Mansley (Christopher McDonald) in The Iron Giant

The Government Asshole
McDonald has built a career out of playing characters nobody likes, and Mansley is no exception. He’s paranoid, xenophobic, and constantly struggling to prove his worth, even to people he looks down upon. He is so hell-bent on destroying the Giant - with no other reason than he doesn’t know where it came from therefore it must be dangerous - he launches a nuclear missile into a town full of people, including himself. And then tries to run away!

“I’m not at liberty to reveal the particulars of the agency I work for...and all that that implies.”

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Kim Jong Il (Trey Parker) in Team America: World Police

The Grandiose Asshole
No, I am not going to quote the movie's speech about assholes; I’m sure it’s easily found elsewhere. But just what is the little guy’s problem? Napoleon complex? No hugs during childhood? Whatever his issues, he’s nice to nobody...and if he is, he’s only setting them up for an imminent attack. He’ll settle for nothing less than complete world domination - even if he has to blow up most of the world to get it. And that, movie friends, is what makes him such a huge, gaping Asshole.

“Do you have any idea how fucking busy I am?!”

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Honorable Mentions:

Agent Smith (Hugo Weaving) in The Matrix

The Digital Asshole


Drexl Spivey (Gary Oldman) in True Romance

The Wannabe Asshole


AUTO (MacInTalk) in WALL-E

The Misguided Asshole

What A Bitch!

(Sorry about the awkward formatting, but my design skills are limited to verbal, not visual, and I can't figure out how to get this damn thing to look the way I want. We just have to deal.)

Her flaws are obvious: she’s mean, she’s loud, she does bad things to good people and she’s not a nice person. But she’s a great character. And either we love her, or we love to hate her.

Jennifer Grey as Jeannie in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off is generally regarded as the queen of lovable movie bitches - and I certainly won’t disagree - but I thought I’d list a few others worth appreciating.

“Go piss up a flagpole.” - The Queen Bitch

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Marla Singer (Helena Bonham Carter) in Fight Club

The Unrepentant Bitch

She smokes constantly, steals food & laundry, screams during sex, and hangs around support groups for free drama and coffee. Marla is proof that even a woman with the harshest mouth and the poorest attitude has a soft side...somewhere.

“Here comes an avalanche of bullshit.”

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Delia Deetz (Catherine O’Hara) in Beetlejuice

The Harpy Bitch

Possibly the funniest bitch ever, and a great broad performance in what has long been my favorite movie. What makes the character work is that she doesn’t realize what a pain she is - she thinks she’s doing everyone a favor by yelling at them and demanding her way. Delia truly believes everyone would be so much happier if they would only shut up and do what she says.

“If you don't let me gut out this house and make it my own, I will go insane, and I will take you with me!”

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Kitty Farmer (Beth Grant) in Donnie Darko

The Busybody Bitch

She doesn’t raise cats, but she does antagonize everybody with her delusional self-righteousness and constant complaining. Like Delia, she truly believes she’s doing the right thing; unlike Delia, she actually thinks she’s being nice about it, and isn’t aware how little most people think of her. I don’t know another character who’s gotten on everyone’s nerves yet been so funny at the same time.

“Sometimes I doubt your commitment to Sparkle Motion!”

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Annie Wilkes (Kathy Bates) in Misery

The Crazy Bitch

Actually the sweetest, nicest, most caring & decent person you could ever ask to nurse you back to health in an isolated place...of course, she’s also obsessed, possessive, dominating, vengeful, and completely insane. When Annie wants you to stay in your room - you stay in your room, or you get hobbled.

“You just better start showing me a little appreciation around here, Mr. Man!”

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Carolyn Burnham (Annette Bening) in American Beauty

The Judgemental Bitch

Such a well-drawn character, and indeed a nomination-worthy performance, of a woman who tries so hard to be how she wants people to see her, she forgets who she really is and used to be. She insults, she derides, she chastises, but underneath it all Carolyn just wants to feel valued. A bitch who wasn’t always one, and could be reformed with a little time and a lot of love.

“Are you trying to look unattractive? Well, congratulations, you’ve succeeded admirably.”

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Asami (Eihi Shiina) in Audition

The Torturous Bitch

Just when you think you’ve found the perfect young woman to alleviate your terrible loneliness after the death of your wife, she injects paralyzing sedatives under your eyelids and saws off your limbs with surgical wire. Oh, darn. And she seemed so nice and sweet and submissive until you didn’t call when she expected you to.

“Words create lies. Pain can be trusted.”

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Darian (Danielle Harris) in The Last Boy Scout

The Bitch-In-Training

A foul-mouthed little almost-teen who treats Dad exactly like Mom does: without an ounce of respect. She yells at Bruce Willis, insults Damon Wayans, and hides a gun in a hand-puppet cat named Furry Tom. Harris was so good in the role she acquired an obsessed fan who came to her house with a gun - which is not cool, by the way. As great as these characters are, they don’t exist once the movie’s over. Try to remember that, folks.

“Kiss my ass! Is that clear enough?”

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Ellen (Mary Kate Schellhardt) in What’s Eating Gilbert Grape

The Teen Bitch

The youngest in a family of odd people and no father, because he hanged himself before she was born. Everything she does or says is about her, everything that matters to her should matter to everybody, and everyone she finds cause to disagree with will certainly get an earful. However - she’s just trying to find her place in the world, and it’s hard to fault her for that. Abrasive and self-centered she may be, but she always turns the corner to forgiveness, and in the end she puts her family first.

“I’m almost sixteen, and I got pages of ideas. He never does anything; this is no fair, Mom!”

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Princess Fiona (Cameron Diaz) in Shrek

The Stuck Up Bitch

She may be a princess, but, dang - show a little gratitude when someone risks their life for you, okay? Still - she can cook, she kicks ass, she’s as nasty as you are, and if you get an arrow in your butt she’ll pluck it out. Fiona may be a pain, but if you can put up with her long enough she’ll turn into a friend you can count on.

“I'm supposed to be rescued by my true love, not by some ogre and his pet!”

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Lori (Sharon Stone) in Total Recall

The Murderous Nympho Bitch

Okay, so she’s part of an interplanetary conspiracy to brainwash you as long as possible then kill you - she’s also super-hot and deflects every single conversation toward getting laid instead of talking. Director Paul Verhoeven liked Stone’s portrayal so much he cast her in his next film, Basic Instinct, playing essentially the same character (a murderous nympho) in a different environment. And that would be The Intellectual Bitch, but I’m not putting Catherine Tramell on this list because...well, she just doesn’t interest me.

“If you don’t trust me, you can tie me up...”

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Pamela Finklestein (Fran Drescher) in UHF

The Whiny Bitch

Essentially a decent person overall, but that first moment of complete frustration when she meets Weird Al’s George Newman, and his immediate reaction? Never stops being funny.

“It's kind of hard to get promoted when every other week you have a new boss! This job really sucks!”

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Mystery Woman (Carrie Fisher) in The Blues Brothers

The Tough Bitch

We never even get her name, but after trying to shoot and/or blow up our heroes several times without success, one sweet look from the ever-passionate Jake is enough to melt her fiery heart...and then leave her in the mud once again. This bitch is fiercely loyal and endlessly determined, making her a terrific woman to have by your side - just don’t leave her waiting in celibacy for you.

“For the common good, I must now kill you...and your brother.”

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There are plenty more lovable bitches in movie history; I didn’t even venture into movies from outside my own lifetime. So let’s hear from the gallery: who’s your favorite bitch?

(Next time: equal time for assholes!)