The Mist

Okay, so I haven't written anything for a while. I've been busy. And I have seen a few movies since Michael Clayton, but not much that really warranted reviewing, and nothing I had time for. While I have not forgotten about my intended Cult Classics post, it's just going to have to wait. Because I really want to point out how much I hate The Mist.

I heard good things about it. It got decent reviews. They said it was a quality B-movie, suspenseful, creepy...I was totally up for that. I was even willing to give Frank Darabont a chance to prove he might actually be capable of becoming a quality writer/director. Yes, I am one of those people who hates The Shawshank Redemption, because it has some good qualities but is overwritten and overdirected and is possibly the most overrated movie I've ever seen; even the word "overrated" doesn't have quite enough hyperbole for me. But we're talking about The Mist, and since I made a point to put my negative opinion of Darabont aside in order to watch this movie, anyone who disagrees with me about his films in general should put their positive opinion aside and look at The Mist on its own terms. Doing that, I honestly don't know how anyone could even call it decent. It's truly awful.

There is no suspense. There are long drawn out periods in which people talk about bullshit and nothing happens; that's not suspense. Suspense is when there's a thick mist surrounding a full supermarket and nobody knows what's out there...this would be great but it doesn't last, because the first thing that really happens to anyone is when a giant tentacle grabs some idiot bag boy and drags him outside to the loading dock. Okay, so, now we know: there are monsters out there. Suspense over. This is very early in the story. Once you know that, it seems pretty clear: don't go outside. But some people don't believe there are monsters, and when those who've seen the tentacle finally get around to showing those who haven't, oh gee, it suddenly dissolves into a big puddle. How unfortunate. No wait, I mean, how fucking stupid.

That's just the first monster. Later there are cat-sized bugs, and eagle-sized bird/dragon things that eat the bugs. Then big spiders, then giant crab-thingies, and so on. Of course, these monsters are always hungry when people go outside, but never actually try to get into the supermarket. And the same monsters never come back, even after discovering a ready source of food. How convenient for the story, so it can continue introducing newer and bigger and scarier monsters without needing any motivation or plot progression to do so.

I don't even know what to say about the anti-religious aspect of the human conflict. And I'm not a big fan of religion, but if you take out the wacko religious nut character, then these people are doing absolutely nothing, and as it is all they do is talk talk talk talk talk and never act. Often they don't even react, and when they do, they do the stupidest thing possible. They notice all these big bugs landing on the window, so what do they do? Each and every person who is holding a lantern carries it over to the window to get a closer look at the bugs. Um, bugs are attracted to light, duh. One guy even says this, and so what happens after that? Some other guy flips on all their emergency floodlights they've set up around the store, after stating the floodlights are only for when something is in the store and they need these lights to see them. So once they realize oh, maybe we shouldn't have all these dozens of lights on for no reason, they still don't turn them off. They stand around, screaming, or just watching what's going on.

That's a big problem in this movie. Say there are half a dozen people in one scene, and if there are tentacles or bugs or spiders attacking one or two people, the rest of them aren't doing anything. They look on in horror or scream or something. Now I know some might defend this and call it human nature or lack of bravery or something, I mean yeah it's probably not an easy thing to do to put yourself in harm's way when there are giant spiders attacking someone you barely know, but...this is a movie. It's pretty damn boring to watch a bunch of people stand around watching something, then talk about it later for ten minutes. They need to do something! So many times in this movie, people don't run when any normal person would move his ass. They just stand there. Sometimes, they stand there screaming. Stop looking at the big spider and get the fuck out! Pacing is a big problem in the movie, because of things like this; it's nearly two hours when it could easily be twenty minutes shorter, and additionally, it never feels like the story is moving because none of the characters are moving! Literally, not moving! They stand there whenever something happens, instead of acting or reacting. This is simply bad direction.

These may seem like little things, like nitpicking, but these are the things that make bad storytelling. Characters and actions, monster or human or otherwise, need to be motivated. You don't create tension or suspense by not having a number of characters run when the audience is thinking it's time to leave...those characters have to have some kind of motivation not to run, something that outweighs their fear. Stupidity can outweigh fear, but you also have to motivate stupidity. You have to motivate everything, and you have to do it from inside the story, not out. You can't have one character accidentally knock over a bucket of lighter fluid and set himself on fire just because you want your movie to have a guy who gets burned very badly. You have to motivate the story element of the bucket being knocked over. He can't just walk into it, oops, now I'm on fire...that's fucking stupid.

All the characters are one-dimensional or less. Mostly less. The dialogue is bad. The acting is bad. The writing is bad. After the tentacles kill that one guy, everyone who witnessed it stands around talking about how they're going to tell everybody; half of them are drinking cans of beer (thank you product-placement team!) like buddies at a barbecue...why? That's easy - so the main guy who doesn't believe they saw a monster can say he doesn't believe them because they're drinking. Ooh, what a tough situation; how will they convince him now? It's fucking stupid. I'm sorry to keep repeating myself but there's no better way to put it.

I'd heard there was some controversy to the ending, in addition to some people calling it brilliant and others saying it was just wrong, and I honestly don't know what they're talking about - there is no ending. Yes, seriously. Nothing happens at the end. Call it a spoiler if you want, but, really, there's no point - five people get away in a car, then run out of gas while they're still in the mist, and the only thing they can think to do, the FIRST action they opt for, is to use their one gun and four bullets to kill themselves rather than let the monsters get them, or, say, I don't know, sit there and wait until they decide they need the bullets, or possibly even get out and walk and bring the gun with them in case they need it at some point. No, they immediately opt for one guy to shoot the other four, and now he feels bad because one of the four was his young son, and oops, suddenly the military shows up and the mist magically dissipates, oh golly, doesn't he feel like a sucker now for shooting his son in the face just a minute too soon. The only thing controversial about this is how anyone could think it was anything but totally fucking stupid.

So there is no ending, because once he kills these four people in the car, nothing happens. The military, who is supposedly responsible for causing all this in the first place, comes down the road with tanks and trucks and flamethrowers, though what they're actually doing, who the hell knows. And of course the mist is suddenly gone. Even though the mist itself had nothing to with anything, ever. The danger was the monsters, not the mist. The only point of the mist is that it hides the danger. That's where the suspense comes in. But we know almost right away that there are monsters out there. Well, if we know there are killer monsters, fuck the mist! It's the monsters that are scary! And there's no suspense. Poor, poor storytelling.

What's really scary is that Frank Darabont keeps making movies, and normally intelligent and respectable people not only let him, but actually praise him. It's insane, really, and while I'm usually content to politely and cheerfully disagree with people who have differing opinions in regards to film, I really don't know how anyone can watch this and not think it's incredibly fucking stupid. Yes, the unknown is suspenseful, and monsters can be terrifying, but these things are not played for their strengths in this awful, awful movie. The tone is all wrong, and the direction is horrible in the way these events are played out. The script's reliance on thoughtless religious zealotry is tired and simplistic and a poor excuse for revelation of character; no pun intended on that 'revelation' bit.

I would not have been surprised to find this movie less than brilliant, but I'm absolutely perplexed by the overall positive response that seems to exist out there. I mean, it's a really bad movie. Really really bad. I suppose because it isn't bad in the obvious, Battlefield Earth/Manos: The Hands Of Fate kind of way that some people still like it, but if you just look at it in terms of story and character, how the film is executed...it really is rather obvious, and I am surprised so many people think there's anything good about it. Just because a movie has quality elements doesn't mean it's a good movie. Eggs and flour and chocolate chips don't make good cookies unless you mix and bake them properly...Darabont keeps proving, time and time again, that he's a lousy baker.

For a good version of this type of story, the group-of-people-trapped-somewhere-with-unknown-scary-monsters-trying-to-get-them, check out Pitch Black. Strong performances, interesting characters, and cool monsters that don't disappear and show up whenever it suits the writing. Everyone has clear motivations they follow throughout, and that includes the creatures. Also, Vin Diesel before he was a joke! But please don't bother with the sequel.

Next time: Cult Classics! I swear I'll do it!