Slumdog Millionaire

Slumdog Millionaire won 8 Oscars. It was a struggle to fund, produce, & distribute. It is admired, beloved, and a tremendous emotional experience to millions of viewers around the world. It's also one of the most horribly contrived and predictable piles of crap I've seen in a long time.

Don't boo me, fans; I am actually an easy mark when it comes to epic tales of oft-delayed romance which turn out wonderful and beautiful in the end - I am indeed a sap, tears always at the ready - but when the plot points along the way are as forced as these, I'm gonna call foul. (The Notebook has the exact same qualities; I also hate that movie while wanting to like it.) And even putting aside the message of the film that money solves all problems - a message I find incredibly demeaning and insulting, even if probably true - most of the trouble these characters get into, or don't get out of, is their own fault.

Why is it so difficult for Jamal and Latika to stick together? Because they don't try to, until it suits the story. Even as adults, she has the chance to leave with him, and she doesn't, because "it's too late." Give me a break; if you want to go just go! And don't anyone claim she's afraid to leave because she's abused; that would be your assumption - the movie doesn't create that situation or that character. The filmmakers have the characters do what they want them to do to retain their story structure, whether it makes sense or not.

When they're still kids, Jamal listens to his brother Salim and doesn't go back for Latika, even though Salim left her behind for no reason. Years later, Salim kicks Jamal out because he wants Latika for his own purposes...but why? Because they're teenagers now and he's got the hots for her? Why her and not any other girl? What about looking after his little brother, and why doesn't Jamal do anything to keep track of them? It was so stupid...I thought Salim was forcing him out for one night, to have his way with the girl while he had a chance - because that's how the filmmakers sold it - but the story just skips ahead a few years like that was the end of it. This is poor story structure, and lousy character motivation.

And these are just the things they're doing to themselves - the situations that are forced upon them are so ridiculous and predictable that I absolutely did not care about anything that happened. Why is the host of the show telling a contestant he's going to lose, then secretly giving him wrong answers? What's the point of that? It's movie bullshit, and I hate fake drama. A character's actions have to be believable for that character...so a despicable person can certainly do despicable things, but that character has to have a reason he or she believes in...when it's just for the sake of giving your hero a moment of antagonism, it's movie bullshit.

So let's talk about predictability...yes, the movie will end with the hero and heroine safely reunited, all is well, blah blah blah that's a given and I'm very accepting of that. Right near the beginning, they're talking about The Three Musketeers, and how they didn't learn the name of the third one...gee, think that'll be the final question? What a shocker. The kids are saved from living in the dump by a nice man who gives them cold soda in glass bottles; think he'll turn out to be an evil scumbag with ulterior motives? Whuh-oh! And if that weren't already clear enough, we are treated to a scene in which the kids, happily eating lots and lots of food, talk about the nice man and discuss his eligibility for sainthood...golly, he really had them fooled! Such garbage in this movie, and a lot more than they showed at the landfill.

Near the end, when Salim lets Latika go (like we never saw his moment of redemption coming, though why he's such as ass in the first place is never established or motivated) he gives her his phone and makes a point to tell her to always keep it with her...and we know Jamal hasn't used his phone-a-friend lifeline yet, so when she gets out of a car in stalled traffic then goes to watch the live (ha!) broadcast of the show and Jamal uses the lifeline to call his brother, oh no she's left the phone in the car and has to run to get it before it stops ringing and Jamal won't be able to ask for help with the question and the whole thing is SO incredibly fucking awful I can't even continue to describe it without wanting to punch myself in the head. Do people really like this dreck?

Don't get me wrong - the film is beautifully made, and would be absolutely exhilarating to watch if it weren't so friggin' stupid. Just because I'm a reformed cynic doesn't mean I can't spot bullshit when I see it, and doesn't mean I'm now easily impressed. The things these filmmakers put the main character through, in order to show the trials he must endure to emerge victorious...complete nonsense. Is it really necessary, for the purposes of the story, to have Jamal beaten and tortured under suspicion of fraud in order to make him an underdog? No...but the filmmakers want him to be tread upon, so they have him beaten and tortured. They could just as easily have framed their story any other way, with Jamal telling his story of how he knew the answers. Because anyone within the story who already doesn't believe he didn't cheat isn't going to buy his explanation, either. If he were telling someone who would see it as he does - that it's destiny - the audience would then identify with the listener and find it fascinating. Even a reformed cynic would be fascinated...if the details weren't so incredibly pointless.

He knew Samuel Colt invented the revolver because his brother pointed a gun at him...he knew Benjamin Franklin is on the U.S. $100 bill because a tourist gave him one and his blind friend told him who it was...this is supposed to be a big deal? He knew things because information was presented to him at some point and he remembered it? Is that somehow unique? Don't we all do that? And if you want to analyze it, the difficulty of the show and others like it isn't simply knowing the information, it's being able to recall it under the circumstances, and the pressure...that's the hard part. Besides, I didn't actually notice his brother saying anything about who invented the revolver he was pointing at him...he did call it a Colt, but he didn't go into a brief lecture on the inventor.

What we have here is a mix of meaningful events in his life that don't actually present the necessary information, and relatively meaningless events that do present the precise information eventually needed on the show. He even answered a question with information that doesn't seem to have been presented to him in any way connected with the story being told in relation to that question...in fact it's so irrelevant we're even shown a repeat flashback of particular images, to make sure we know where the reference was...and this ain't the only flashback for that purpose. This is not a tightly-written screenplay, this is forcing the plot to go a certain way in order to manipulate the desired results. Bad bad bad bad bad.

Frankly it just sickens me when people allow themselves to be manipulated by such drivel. Apologies to those who love this movie, but I honestly had a stronger emotional reaction to Rocky Balboa...because the story itself is well-crafted. It isn't forced. And I'm not even a Rocky fan. That's just an example, because I saw it recently - and not a great movie by any stretch though perfectly decent - but if pressed I could probably name other movies I found more moving that haven't had nearly the impact on others which Slumdog has.

Being a writer, I mainly judge a movie on how well the story works in and of itself. This has good acting, interesting camerawork, solid editing, swell music (if occasionally incongruous with the scene it plays over), and an interesting concept - but they try so hard to make all the little pieces work together, that none of it works at all. And I wish more people were not taken in by this, or fooled by it. That continues to be my wish.