Whenever I become aware of an overwhelmingly positive response to a movie I hadn't intended to see - from critics, the public in general, friends I care for and respect - I’m not dumb enough to begin watching it thinking “This is gonna be so great I won’t even believe it!” It may have been something I just wasn't interested in, hadn’t gotten around to, or concluded was not worth seeing, but whatever the delay, the good vibes from those who’ve enjoyed it convince me there’s worthwhile viewing to be had. My initial assessment may have been that it was most likely awful, or perhaps simply okay but not impressive - though when sitting down to watch it, I’m thinking that with all the happy folks full of praise, it certainly won’t be terrible...may even be pretty good! And I think this because of the excitement people have shown about it.
Too bad so many people can somehow be so wrong.
Big Hero 6 is nothing more than beautifully animated garbage...not even good enough to call junk, but actual refuse. Because - to extend the metaphor - junk is useless, and takes up space, but is essentially harmless. If it’s junk food, then it’s tasty but not healthy, and still harmless in moderation. Garbage, however, is a nasty, smelly, rotting, health hazard requiring immediate disposal and/or destruction. You certainly wouldn’t want to consume it. You want it gone, you want it disappeared, you don’t even want to know what happens to it as long as it remains elsewhere.
So, the movie: when the story here isn’t clichéd, it’s stupid. When it isn’t stupid, it’s predictable. When it isn’t predictable, it’s over (finally). Often it’s all three at once. There is no motivation for many things each of the active characters does, or just a weak/simple motivation...sometimes there’s no reason for what they don’t do; for failing to act. There is no sense and no explanation for basic aspects of the setting and various situations. Here are some randomly-recalled examples (with a few spoilers, if that actually matters) of various stupidities:
Why is this city the bastard child of San Francisco and Tokyo? After viewing, I read the filmmakers had a history all figured out as to how this came to be - so why wouldn’t they incorporate any of their ideas into the movie? Why do they just show it as if it makes any sense by itself? It couldn’t be because they don’t manage to specify anything else without dull spoken exposition, could it? Like they realized they wouldn’t be able to think up an interesting way to reveal this information other than having one of their characters awkwardly talk about it so they left it out? I don’t think they’re that aware...if they were, they wouldn’t have included so much poor storytelling in exactly that manner.
Why did the filmmakers start the movie with the protagonist kid’s parents being dead only to kill off his brother in act one? Couldn’t live parents have served just as much of a non-purpose as his aunt, who doesn’t do anything or affect the plot in even the tiniest way? Do we need to double up on the so-aloneness of the kid? Not that I’m sympathizing with the obnoxious little punk, just that it’s a repeated state of being for the character, and unnecessary. Superfluous backstory/set-up. Set the stage and get the ball rolling!
How does a fourteen (?) year-old kid with no money or resources manage to manufacture billions of tiny robots in a matter of days (or even weeks)? I’m all for suspension of disbelief, but a movie - any movie - needs to establish the rules of the world presented then abide by said rules. This movie is about scientific genius kids, so I’m wholly willing to buy his theoretical wherewithal to dream up this idea in the first place, as well as his possessing the technical and scientific knowledge to carry it out...but in general, the movie takes place in a world very similar to our own. So how did he actually DO all this? How did he acquire the materials and a production site? Uh, he didn’t. He just has his billion bitty-bots, because this is an animated film and anything is possible, even if it’s horribly unrealistic. But hey, the entire school here is only made up of about six students and one professor, apparently, so maybe the rest of the building is a you-can-make-anything-you-wish factory, and a bottom line-less lending institution.
Where in the holy hell did the cloud-covered limbo land generate from? With both teleporters (let’s face it, stargates) active, the hat enters one and exits the other, because that’s the whole point of teleportation - instant traversal of any physical separation - so when there’s only one switched on it leads to a parallel dimension? And some broad in a ship bubble can simply exist there indefinitely in hypersleep? And in operation it serves to counter the effects of gravity and suck up everything in its vicinity, even though nothing inside it is moving at all? What in the freewheeling fuck is happening here?
Why did no one question or investigate how the fire started, how it created such a sudden and encompassing explosion? Why did Hiro assume his microbots had been destroyed, while the guy who stole them assumed they would protect him? Hiro built the damn things and doesn’t know their full capability, but this guy who just saw a basic demonstration five minutes earlier bets his life on their resiliency?
Speaking of microbots and the bad guy: how stupid are the characters to assume who the guy was who stole them and has nefarious motives for doing so? And how stupid is that guy, and the other guy, to assume without further analysis the results of their failed teleporter test thus creating the center of their shared hostility? And how dumb do the filmmakers think their audience is for going ahead with these assumptions and not expecting anyone to realize how dumb (and wrong) these assumptions are?
Why does Hiro think he has to hide Baymax from his aunt? Why do the filmmakers think it’s funny for Baymax to act drunk when his battery’s low? Why does everyone in the movie keep saying “gone” instead of “dead” over and over and over and over and over? Do they not want to say the word in what they intend to be a kids movie? Or is it because some of these people are not actually dead in some sense and they don’t want to make a false statement?
Why can’t they just make a good movie that isn’t full of stupid shit like this?!?!?
I’m not a fan of The Lego Movie - in fact, I rather hate it - but that animated film only has two major problems; the action moves so fast it’s impossible to follow and the overall tone is too silly to carry any real dramatic weight. It’s still miles better than this reekingly offensive turd bomb.
This is why I no longer watch or care about the Oscars. Because I just don’t get how or why such head-smackingly awful filmmaking can be awarded best animated feature, above four other nominations and plenty more not even nominated, including Lego...which I heard some people were upset about. Now that I’ve seen Big Hero 6, I support those zealots in their fervor, despite not even respecting their choice. Unless the animation itself - not the story, characters, sound, music, or any aspect of the movie except the execution of the images alone - is what’s being awarded, I don’t see how this could even compete. It’s that bad. But kids and parents seem to like it, so, hooray for Disney!
Apologies to any friends and family members who are kids/parents/people and also somehow fans of this movie. I still like and respect you, and am oddly pleased - envious, even - you are able to possess such standards of viewership as to not be bothered by the horrible sludgestorm presented here as if it were an acceptably accomplished animated film. You have a gift, dear ones, to see the good and block out the bad. I’m all for silver linings, but if Big Hero 6 is the dark cloud inside, I myself would rather get out of the way of that storm and wait for it to pass, thank you very much.
In the meantime, maybe I’ll just watch WALL-E for the 27th time.
