(Sorry about the awkward formatting, but my design skills are limited to verbal, not visual, and I can't figure out how to get this damn thing to look the way I want. We just have to deal.)
Her flaws are obvious: she’s mean, she’s loud, she does bad things to good people and she’s not a nice person. But she’s a great character. And either we love her, or we love to hate her.
Jennifer Grey as Jeannie in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off is generally regarded as the queen of lovable movie bitches - and I certainly won’t disagree - but I thought I’d list a few others worth appreciating.
“Go piss up a flagpole.” - The Queen Bitch
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Marla Singer (Helena Bonham Carter) in Fight Club
The Unrepentant Bitch
She smokes constantly, steals food & laundry, screams during sex, and hangs around support groups for free drama and coffee. Marla is proof that even a woman with the harshest mouth and the poorest attitude has a soft side...somewhere.
“Here comes an avalanche of bullshit.”
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Delia Deetz (Catherine O’Hara) in Beetlejuice
The Harpy Bitch
Possibly the funniest bitch ever, and a great broad performance in what has long been my favorite movie. What makes the character work is that she doesn’t realize what a pain she is - she thinks she’s doing everyone a favor by yelling at them and demanding her way. Delia truly believes everyone would be so much happier if they would only shut up and do what she says.
“If you don't let me gut out this house and make it my own, I will go insane, and I will take you with me!”
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Kitty Farmer (Beth Grant) in Donnie Darko
The Busybody Bitch
She doesn’t raise cats, but she does antagonize everybody with her delusional self-righteousness and constant complaining. Like Delia, she truly believes she’s doing the right thing; unlike Delia, she actually thinks she’s being nice about it, and isn’t aware how little most people think of her. I don’t know another character who’s gotten on everyone’s nerves yet been so funny at the same time.
“Sometimes I doubt your commitment to Sparkle Motion!”
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Annie Wilkes (Kathy Bates) in Misery
The Crazy Bitch
Actually the sweetest, nicest, most caring & decent person you could ever ask to nurse you back to health in an isolated place...of course, she’s also obsessed, possessive, dominating, vengeful, and completely insane. When Annie wants you to stay in your room - you stay in your room, or you get hobbled.
“You just better start showing me a little appreciation around here, Mr. Man!”
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Carolyn Burnham (Annette Bening) in American Beauty
The Judgemental Bitch
Such a well-drawn character, and indeed a nomination-worthy performance, of a woman who tries so hard to be how she wants people to see her, she forgets who she really is and used to be. She insults, she derides, she chastises, but underneath it all Carolyn just wants to feel valued. A bitch who wasn’t always one, and could be reformed with a little time and a lot of love.
“Are you trying to look unattractive? Well, congratulations, you’ve succeeded admirably.”
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Asami (Eihi Shiina) in Audition
The Torturous Bitch
Just when you think you’ve found the perfect young woman to alleviate your terrible loneliness after the death of your wife, she injects paralyzing sedatives under your eyelids and saws off your limbs with surgical wire. Oh, darn. And she seemed so nice and sweet and submissive until you didn’t call when she expected you to.
“Words create lies. Pain can be trusted.”
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Darian (Danielle Harris) in The Last Boy Scout
The Bitch-In-Training
A foul-mouthed little almost-teen who treats Dad exactly like Mom does: without an ounce of respect. She yells at Bruce Willis, insults Damon Wayans, and hides a gun in a hand-puppet cat named Furry Tom. Harris was so good in the role she acquired an obsessed fan who came to her house with a gun - which is not cool, by the way. As great as these characters are, they don’t exist once the movie’s over. Try to remember that, folks.
“Kiss my ass! Is that clear enough?”
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Ellen (Mary Kate Schellhardt) in What’s Eating Gilbert Grape
The Teen Bitch
The youngest in a family of odd people and no father, because he hanged himself before she was born. Everything she does or says is about her, everything that matters to her should matter to everybody, and everyone she finds cause to disagree with will certainly get an earful. However - she’s just trying to find her place in the world, and it’s hard to fault her for that. Abrasive and self-centered she may be, but she always turns the corner to forgiveness, and in the end she puts her family first.
“I’m almost sixteen, and I got pages of ideas. He never does anything; this is no fair, Mom!”
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Princess Fiona (Cameron Diaz) in Shrek
The Stuck Up Bitch
She may be a princess, but, dang - show a little gratitude when someone risks their life for you, okay? Still - she can cook, she kicks ass, she’s as nasty as you are, and if you get an arrow in your butt she’ll pluck it out. Fiona may be a pain, but if you can put up with her long enough she’ll turn into a friend you can count on.
“I'm supposed to be rescued by my true love, not by some ogre and his pet!”
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Lori (Sharon Stone) in Total Recall
The Murderous Nympho Bitch
Okay, so she’s part of an interplanetary conspiracy to brainwash you as long as possible then kill you - she’s also super-hot and deflects every single conversation toward getting laid instead of talking. Director Paul Verhoeven liked Stone’s portrayal so much he cast her in his next film, Basic Instinct, playing essentially the same character (a murderous nympho) in a different environment. And that would be The Intellectual Bitch, but I’m not putting Catherine Tramell on this list because...well, she just doesn’t interest me.
“If you don’t trust me, you can tie me up...”
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Pamela Finklestein (Fran Drescher) in UHF
The Whiny Bitch
Essentially a decent person overall, but that first moment of complete frustration when she meets Weird Al’s George Newman, and his immediate reaction? Never stops being funny.
“It's kind of hard to get promoted when every other week you have a new boss! This job really sucks!”
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Mystery Woman (Carrie Fisher) in The Blues Brothers
The Tough Bitch
We never even get her name, but after trying to shoot and/or blow up our heroes several times without success, one sweet look from the ever-passionate Jake is enough to melt her fiery heart...and then leave her in the mud once again. This bitch is fiercely loyal and endlessly determined, making her a terrific woman to have by your side - just don’t leave her waiting in celibacy for you.
“For the common good, I must now kill you...and your brother.”
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There are plenty more lovable bitches in movie history; I didn’t even venture into movies from outside my own lifetime. So let’s hear from the gallery: who’s your favorite bitch?
(Next time: equal time for assholes!)
