We’re already two weeks into the new year so why waste time? Here’s the digs and dregs of all the movies I saw during the back half of the calendar.
So Good!!
Mad Max: Fury Road
Yep, that’s right: if the bandwagon is the War Rig, I’m on it. This is a visceral, gut-punching, heart-wrenching, head-banging explosion of joy and terror and excitement and dread and amazement, absolute fucking amazement, at the kind of cinematic beauty only true visionaries can create. Every single frame is an extraordinary work of art. Every character, costume, set, prop, and moment of sound are each an integral and appropriate part of the world. The movie is simply fucking awesome. It just is. No amount of words or praise can do it justice; one has to experience it for oneself.
What We Do In The Shadows
Sometimes it’s good to find a DVD on the library shelf and have no idea what you’re in for when you take it home. This movie, which pretends to be a documentary about centuries-old vampires in New Zealand, is consistently inventive and hilarious in a way very few movies can maintain; it is literally both those things for every single minute of its run time. If that doesn’t sell you nothing will, so I have little more to say about it. The characters are fun, the performers know exactly what they’re doing, and it’s somehow perfectly realistic and utterly ridiculous, in precisely the right way. My favorite surprise film of the year.
The Voices
Ryan Reynolds again proves how truly talented and versatile he is, in a movie hardly anybody saw or heard of. It’s certainly not perfect overall, but the skill and artistry on display from all the performers and filmmakers involved is exceedingly admirable. It doesn’t take any wrong turns with the drama, doesn’t cross the line into silliness with the satire...it rides that nebulous road known as tone by being equally amusing & disturbing, similarly serious & strange...one of those films which wanders into the corners of the human condition, just to see what’s there.
The Martian
This makes the list because it could have, so easily, been such a different movie, but instead of choosing some flashy young director to make it, they got Ridley Scott -- and he guides this story with the kind of confidence and acuity only such an experienced, composed filmmaker could. I admit I got very, very tired of the many “jokes” about disco music, most of which involved incongruous use of said music, and the overall structure didn’t feel natural or well-timed in spots, but it’s still a strong cinematic work and a pleasant experience to view.
Ant-Man
I’m not saying it’s a great movie -- but it hits the right notes in the right way, it’s consistently enjoyable...in a year with a lot of half-assed garbage, it stands out for being well-made when it could have been fairly standard. It also has two terrific performances, from Corey Stoll (a seasoned and respected actor) as the bad guy and Abby Ryder Fortson (a young and inexperienced cute kid) as the hero’s cute kid. She is exceptionally good; way more than just adorable.
Honorable Mention
Mission Impossible: Rogue Nation
I say it’s the best of the five, and do so because it works better as a story than any of the others. Does it have the best stunts? The most style? Did I never once say “Come on; really?” while viewing? No. But if the story & characters come together well, I’ll always be more satisfied with the movie as a whole.
Chappie
Far short of the brilliamazing District 9, of course, yet far better than Elysium...Neill Blomkamp pulls off a movie that is often kinda dumb and generally makes little sense, but still somehow manages to be quite extraordinary in several of its moments. I recommend those moments. The rest of it, feel free to forget.
A Most Violent Year
The movie itself isn’t that exciting or fascinating, but the two lead performances are seriously good. Oscar Isaac inhabits his character so completely, and conveys so much with the smallest movements and inflections; just a great example of film acting. As for Jessica Chastain: she’s been in a lot of movies the last few years, always does a good job, never made a big impression on me despite all the accolades, but here she’s doing what I always wanted to be seeing in her other performances.
Super Bad...
Tomorrowland
Holy future shit is this movie annoying!! Such poor story construction...it takes insanely long to advance every plot point, it’s constantly repetitive, it wastes tons of time with look-how-amazing-everything-is scenes in which nothing actually happens...supposedly smart characters do the dumbest things & ask the stupidest questions...it’s also exceedingly violent at times for a PG “family” movie. It gets a little bit better, more toward the end, but by then...ugh; it ain’t nearly enough. This small portion is far too late the save the whole, with its few good ideas buried beneath an avalanche of slop. What a waste of money and talent.
Home
Fuck this stupid-ass shit-suck of a movie. Right in its colorful little animation hole. Dumb characters. Dumb story. Bad direction. Bad voice acting (except for Rihanna who isn’t bad but wrong for it because she’s a grown woman playing a little kid). Had a few cool ideas it took no advantage of, and many bad ideas it played out waaaaaaaaaaaay too long. Light & simple (aka dumbed-down) because it’s aimed at kids (who aren’t dumb) but full of adult “humor” (which isn’t funny) kids won’t get. There are worse movies on this list, but none I hate so fucking much (Tomorrowland comes close).
Jupiter Ascending
It really is that bad. Really. Tons of silly-ass nonsense, melodrama, overacting...and an excess of goofy shit I think we’re meant to take seriously. But it ain’t happenin’. The one movie on this list bad enough to be worth seeing because it’s so awful, and could even be enjoyable for that very reason.
Blackhat
The opposite of Jupiter: so bad it should never be seen. It’s like a few talented people got together to make a movie, spontaneously evaporated halfway through, and a handful of mutated wildebeests wandered into the abandoned studio to piece everything together. I don’t know how else to explain the horrible sound mix, the bad dubbing/ADR, the lousy editing, the constant shots through a long lens with some out-of-focus object or person obscuring whatever’s meant to be in frame...the directionless plot, pointless scenes, boring clichés...it’s intolerably awful. It doesn’t even end, but simply stops being a terrible movie because it’s finally over.
Ex Machina
I know! Lots of people love this movie and think it’s brilliant. They’ve all been fooled into thinking what others want them to...just like characters in the movie. Oh wait; maybe that means it IS brilliant! Nope. Not. Two of the three major performances are completely wrong, completely off-track from what they should be, from what would make them actually work, actually be believable. Oscar Isaac is, again, a fucking awesome actor -- too bad his supposedly super genius character does the dumbest possible thing whenever the plot requires him to. No surprises, no twists unseen, no turns unexpected...the whole thing is just lame, with lots of style to dress it up. Don’t be fooled, humans. It ain’t much to go on about.
Dishonorable Mention
The Hundred Foot Journey
Lasse Hallström, what the fuck? So many amazing, beautiful, light dramas in your career, and now this? Seriously; this?!? It takes forever to get around to being about whatever it’s supposed to be about, and even then, it’s horribly uninteresting. The characters are stupid, and they do nothing but argue (even when they have no reason to disagree), and they’re purposelessly petty, and there is no realistic human drama because there is no realistic human behavior...what fucking planet are they on in which people act like this? It’s so awful, I can’t believe his name is on it. The guy made What’s Eating Gilbert Grape, folks...he must have gotten sick and some co-producer with no experience took over. It’s just appalling. I don’t even remember the details because it’s such an awful fictional representation of anything resembling real people and their interests, none of it registered with me. I am sorry this thing even exists.
The Loved Ones
Tons of potential, all totally wasted. Characters making bad choices in a horror movie has become such a thing that it’s now either made fun of or plain old ignored, but here, when somebody does the stupidest thing they could do, it somehow plays like that wasn’t meant to be the stupidest thing. I mean, this guy escapes from people who’ve kidnapped & tortured him, but instead of getting away he hangs around watching them, then they see him and chase him, then he climbs a tree...yes, they’re pursuing him in a car and he goes up a tree. No, they’ll never catch you up there! Dumbass...I understand for the plot of the movie they need to recapture him, but does it have to play out so idiotically? Does the cop who shows up later to save him need to be so dumb as to turn his back on a room full of blood, without having checked ANY OTHER ROOM yet? Clear the house much, officer? Not worried about anyone coming up behind you and killing you? Which is, of course, exactly what happens, but it’s presented as if it’s supposed to be a shocker moment...as if we couldn’t completely see it coming. That’s just part of what makes this so fucking stupid. It’s basically a horror movie that wants to be a horror movie because it likes horror movies, but it’s so poorly written and staged it doesn’t know how to be a real horror movie. And many scenes drag on forever because the director & editor have no idea how to pace anything. So much promise, so little delivered.
Dead Snow
I’d heard this was a unique, funny, scary, foreign horror movie -- and it is indeed the second three of those six things. Otherwise it’s all clichés, poor direction, lackluster editing, unscary jump scares with stupid stinger music, no character development...it just sucks and is stupid. Apparently there’s also a sequel. No thanks. I’m done.
Dumb And Dumber To
Parts of it are not so bad: the two leads seamlessly resume their characters, Kathleen Turner is wonderfully cast, a couple of the gags are the right kind of silly...but in addition to being mostly unfunny, often racist & sexist, and occasionally downright mean-spirited, the whole thing felt like all it wanted to do was remind us how great and funny the first one was and still is. They even show images from that better, stronger movie during the credits -- and this is in addition to all the references, callbacks, & characters returning here. It could have been its own thing, but it wasn’t.
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For anyone wondering why Star Wars: The Force Awakens isn’t on either list -- didn’t see it until January. But don’t expect it on next year’s list either...it’s decent, but neither exceptional nor execrable. If I had a yeah-it’s-all-right list, it’d be at the top...or the middle, if that’s how such a thing might work. Perhaps I’ll give it its own full review soon enough, if anyone’s still interested at this point. See what the future brings, we will.
What did the spoon say to the knife? May the fork be with you! (Sorry.)
