Saturday, December 31, 2016

Best & Worst Movies Of 2016

For most of the year I managed to see a lot of new movies in the theater, so this list will involve more titles actually released in the past twelve months than previous tops & bottoms...not entirely current, but close. Pretty close.

The Yes & The Wow!
(in no particular order)

Deadpool
Is it spectacularly mind-blowing and life-altering? Nah, but it does perfectly represent the character and tone of the comic in the most fun and entertaining way any fan could have hoped for. Always good to see a movie that wants to be something more than it wants to do something...if that makes sense. And for a movie this violent and deservedly R-rated, it doesn’t revel in its filthiness -- it just feels right.


Sausage Party
Speaking of filthiness, here’s a movie crammed full of it but not flaunting it without purpose. I didn’t even consider this group of comedic talents to have the ability to produce such thoughtful commentary on international relations, race, religion, and consumerism while also being so hilariously vulgar. They take the gags insanely far, yet never cross the line. Plus -- some great parody bits.

The Nice Guys
If you like anything Shane Black has ever done, you’ll probably like this. If you specifically appreciate Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, you really ought to like this. It isn’t quite as splendid as that earlier, brilliant film, but has the same offbeat sensibility, and this cast knows exactly how to make it work. An under-seen, entertaining, guiltless pleasure.


Captain America: Civil War
Yes, it really is that good. It balances so many characters, and so many points of view, without sacrificing drama or humor or any of their established attributes, and it adds new heroes soon to get their own movies...this is how you do that, Warner Bros; pay attention. It's just good solid entertainment, even without Hulk or Thor. Great action, strong acting, and a major set piece that feels like part of the larger story instead of the sole reason to make the movie. Good job, Marvel. Keep it going!


Finding Dory
For the first time since either of the Toy Story sequels, Pixar creates a follow-up which further develops the characters while building on the world already established. It’s funny and touching and somehow hits that sweet spot of precisely the right combination of ridiculous & heartwarming. Perhaps not every little moment is supremely perfect, but so much of it is so beautiful that it’s all worth it.

Shaun The Sheep Movie
With splendid stop-motion, impeccable comic timing, a big big heart, and no dialogue at all, this was the best animated film of 2015. Inside Out is indeed amazingly inventive and looks fantastic, but Shaun has a more cohesive story and a more accessible emotional truth. Funny, heartwarming, and great fun for all ages. Truly, truly, wonderful.


Honorable Mention

Star Trek Beyond
I thought the first two of this current cinematic series were dull and over-serious, but this one finally figured it out...which may have something to do with co-star/excellent writer/nerd extraordinaire Simon Pegg being heavily involved in the script. However it happened, it’s a fun sci-fi action movie that wants to entertain.

Zootopia
Disney made this? Their computer animation is usually so cajoling and condescending, but this manages to be smart & funny & cute & visually impressive. It is, unfortunately, often predictable, its subtext too plainly stated, and occasionally ruins its own gags by pointing directly at the humor and saying “See? That was the joke.” But it’s a good solid effort (finally) and I enjoyed it.

The Peanuts Movie
This one may not have a lot going on story-wise, but they’ve re-created and re-produced the tone and feel of the old Peanuts animations so faithfully and magnificently that only the most heartless cynic would call it a useless nostalgic cash-grab. Most kid-oriented remakes are exactly that (Smurfs, I’m looking at you), but this was truly made with love, and made effectively well.


The Walk
A well-told story making great use of its visual medium, dedicating half its runtime to the main event of the actual Walk. Missed it in the theater? So did I, but the blu-ray is dizzying and fascinating enough. I won’t lie, it ain’t perfect, it does have an unnecessary framing device with uninteresting narration, but like I said, it’s about the visual storytelling and that totally works.

The Huntsman: Winter’s War
Seems odd to make a sequel to a Snow White movie without Snow White, but placing Chris Hemsworth in the lead while adding the excellent Emily Blunt and solid Jessica Chastain to the always awesome Charlize Theron...well, I won’t say it can’t go wrong, because it could, but it didn’t. Even the strange story structure doesn’t detract from how good everyone is in this satisfying cinematic fantasy.

Hunt For The Wilderpeople
On the hunt again...okay not really but this New Zealand film from Taika Waititi, co-writer/director of last year’s favorite What We Do In The Shadows, puts together a jocular yet poignant look at growing up and getting older while generally trying to enjoy life while you can. Plus it’s good to hear Sam Neill give full use to his natural accent for once.

In The Heart Of The Sea
Hemsworth returns! And Ron Howard stops being a horrible hack long enough to get back to what made him a good director once upon a time: letting a good story speak for itself. This one kinda slipped under the theatrical radar, but it’s a good solid adventure and an engaging spectacle. Definitely worth checking out.



The No & The How?

I saw a lot of movies this year which weren’t good, but didn’t make me hate them for existing. They are, of course, the Dishonorable Mentions. Here’s a short and alphabetical list of a few of those substantially lousy but not horrendously awful:

The 5th Wave
If they’d just worked (a lot) harder to make an intelligent movie instead of trying to be the new Twilight (ugh), it could have been okay.

Alice Through The Looking Glass
A dumbed-down, insipid, joyless, lifeless contractual obligation for everyone involved (except Tim Burton who used to know better but now not so much).


Bad Moms
I’m glad such a movie about women exists and makes money; sadly this one is tremendously & thoroughly awful in all aspects.

The Boy
If you’ve seen any modern decently-produced horror movie, you’ve seen this collection of well-worn tropes and tricks.


Morgan
Poorly directed and predictable, not much going on with story and character.

Storks
Noisy, obnoxious, ridiculous, flimsy, and stuffed with filler to reach feature length.


Triple 9
Good actors playing stupid characters in a pointless, plotless, clichéd mess.
.....

Notice how none of those were worth more than a single sentence of appraisal? Yeah. Not much to see here, please move along now.

Thus, the worst of the woeful, in descending order of disappointedness:

Hail, Caesar!
I was so psyched for this when I saw the trailer: a Coen brothers movie about making movies during Hollywood’s heyday? Plus their usual mix of humor, intrigue, and colorful characters? How awesome would that have been? Instead we got a hodgepodge of meaningless plot points mushed into a variety of vignettes which, on their own, carry a strong Coen flavor, but do not a narrative make. This is nothing but a crummy collection of cameos and unrelated sequences adding up to far less than the sum of their parts. What a waste of a great concept.


Krampus
Another movie with a good cast and the potential to mix genres in a compelling way, yet failing to create more than the barest semblance of an entertaining, dramatic storyline. It’s too silly to be scary, too intent on trying to be horror to be taken seriously, and too lacking in logic or believable conflict to not roll eyes at. It’s slow, it’s stupid, and worst of all, it thinks it’s clever and intense. Spare me.

Pete’s Dragon
Can’t say expectations were high, but I did at least appreciate the intention of the adaptation, especially considering the strangeness of the original. Given that initial impression, however, I was disappointed in the execution here resulting in a sappy, simplistic, muddled melodramatic mess. It’s an awkwardly directed, poorly motivated, wholly uninteresting pile of cinematic slop. Plus the dragon looks and acts like a big green dog. And that’s just dumb.


The Secret Life Of Pets
I knew from the trailer this would be weak in the story department, and heavy on the silliness that only really young children can enjoy without more refined cognitive stimuli to go with it, but what I didn’t expect was how insanely violent and dull it is...yes, violent and dull at the same time. Over and over again, just waiting for these expensive-to-animate characters to stop beating and threatening each other so they could get on with the plot they so clearly ripped off from (and have done a disservice to) Toy Story. Even a lighthearted “kids” movie needs a proper dramaturgical progression, okay? Not just a bunch of dopey gags strung together.

Minions
Speaking of dopey gags and violence...again with what I knew going into this: the Minions work as comic side characters, but can’t carry their own storyline. They're goofy little goons, cute & charming in smaller moments, but (unsurprisingly) unendurably grating at feature length, especially in a nearly plotless narrative. What is funny about this movie is how it seems to try to prove, rather than disprove, that Minions fail as protagonists -- because every twenty minutes or so they take the overall story in a completely new direction, and a poorly paced one at that. Aimlessness aside, much of this horrendous rubbish is wildly inappropriate for kids, as many of the “jokes” are innuendo of some sort or involve people getting killed. Yes, killed. The Minions movie has a body count. How hilarious. Plus let’s not forget the abundant, annoying, and inane 3D gags, WAY too many already-overused songs from the era...yeah this is set in the 60’s for no discernibly necessary reason, aside from being a prequel, but even that doesn’t explain it...this loathsome junk is just utterly, utterly hateful. So I hate it. More than anything else I saw this year, I want this movie to burn and die.


The Boss
Some friends wanted to see this, because they didn’t know any better from the ads it would not be good, and even though I did know better I joined them, because Melissa McCarthy is talented, but just can’t seem to make a decent movie...and this is no exception. It’s nothing but weak storytelling, no real character development, multiple pointless fight sequences...and worst of all, it is just plain not funny...like, not even a little. I didn’t laugh once. Even my silly friends who at first didn’t know better barely let out a chuckle. It’s a darn shame.

.....

So that’s the year. Not a lot that's seriously impressive, but plenty of decent material to keep my faith in filmmakers who are putting it out there.

As for the rest of you boorish bunkum builders: get it together or give it up! I’ve had enough of your execrable excretions.




Wednesday, December 21, 2016

Star Wars: Episode IV: A New Hope: The Musical?

With a Star Wars movie currently in theaters, it seems like a good time to continue this series of cd's which don't exist.

Artist: The Wretched Hive
Album: Scum & Villainy

Songs:
     1. Fire When Ready
     2. That's No Moon
     3. Where Is The Ambassador
     4. My Only Hope
     5. Womp Rat Bullseye
     6. Stay On Target
     7. In Greater Numbers
     8. Boring Conversation
     9. Short For A Stormtrooper
     10. Search Your Feelings
     11. For Luck
     12. Let The Wookiee Win


Previous movie music which could be out there but ain't:
       The Big Lebowski


Thursday, January 14, 2016

Best & Worst of 2015, Part II: The Quickening


We’re already two weeks into the new year so why waste time? Here’s the digs and dregs of all the movies I saw during the back half of the calendar.


So Good!!

Mad Max: Fury Road
Yep, that’s right: if the bandwagon is the War Rig, I’m on it. This is a visceral, gut-punching, heart-wrenching, head-banging explosion of joy and terror and excitement and dread and amazement, absolute fucking amazement, at the kind of cinematic beauty only true visionaries can create. Every single frame is an extraordinary work of art. Every character, costume, set, prop, and moment of sound are each an integral and appropriate part of the world. The movie is simply fucking awesome. It just is. No amount of words or praise can do it justice; one has to experience it for oneself.


What We Do In The Shadows
Sometimes it’s good to find a DVD on the library shelf and have no idea what you’re in for when you take it home. This movie, which pretends to be a documentary about centuries-old vampires in New Zealand, is consistently inventive and hilarious in a way very few movies can maintain; it is literally both those things for every single minute of its run time. If that doesn’t sell you nothing will, so I have little more to say about it. The characters are fun, the performers know exactly what they’re doing, and it’s somehow perfectly realistic and utterly ridiculous, in precisely the right way. My favorite surprise film of the year.

The Voices
Ryan Reynolds again proves how truly talented and versatile he is, in a movie hardly anybody saw or heard of. It’s certainly not perfect overall, but the skill and artistry on display from all the performers and filmmakers involved is exceedingly admirable. It doesn’t take any wrong turns with the drama, doesn’t cross the line into silliness with the satire...it rides that nebulous road known as tone by being equally amusing & disturbing, similarly serious & strange...one of those films which wanders into the corners of the human condition, just to see what’s there.


The Martian
This makes the list because it could have, so easily, been such a different movie, but instead of choosing some flashy young director to make it, they got Ridley Scott -- and he guides this story with the kind of confidence and acuity only such an experienced, composed filmmaker could. I admit I got very, very tired of the many “jokes” about disco music, most of which involved incongruous use of said music, and the overall structure didn’t feel natural or well-timed in spots, but it’s still a strong cinematic work and a pleasant experience to view. 

Ant-Man
I’m not saying it’s a great movie -- but it hits the right notes in the right way, it’s consistently enjoyable...in a year with a lot of half-assed garbage, it stands out for being well-made when it could have been fairly standard. It also has two terrific performances, from Corey Stoll (a seasoned and respected actor) as the bad guy and Abby Ryder Fortson (a young and inexperienced cute kid) as the hero’s cute kid. She is exceptionally good; way more than just adorable.


Honorable Mention

Mission Impossible: Rogue Nation
I say it’s the best of the five, and do so because it works better as a story than any of the others. Does it have the best stunts? The most style? Did I never once say “Come on; really?” while viewing? No. But if the story & characters come together well, I’ll always be more satisfied with the movie as a whole.

Chappie
Far short of the brilliamazing District 9, of course, yet far better than Elysium...Neill Blomkamp pulls off a movie that is often kinda dumb and generally makes little sense, but still somehow manages to be quite extraordinary in several of its moments. I recommend those moments. The rest of it, feel free to forget.

A Most Violent Year
The movie itself isn’t that exciting or fascinating, but the two lead performances are seriously good. Oscar Isaac inhabits his character so completely, and conveys so much with the smallest movements and inflections; just a great example of film acting. As for Jessica Chastain: she’s been in a lot of movies the last few years, always does a good job, never made a big impression on me despite all the accolades, but here she’s doing what I always wanted to be seeing in her other performances.


Super Bad...

Tomorrowland
Holy future shit is this movie annoying!! Such poor story construction...it takes insanely long to advance every plot point, it’s constantly repetitive, it wastes tons of time with look-how-amazing-everything-is scenes in which nothing actually happens...supposedly smart characters do the dumbest things & ask the stupidest questions...it’s also exceedingly violent at times for a PG “family” movie. It gets a little bit better, more toward the end, but by then...ugh; it ain’t nearly enough. This small portion is far too late the save the whole, with its few good ideas buried beneath an avalanche of slop. What a waste of money and talent.


Home
Fuck this stupid-ass shit-suck of a movie. Right in its colorful little animation hole. Dumb characters. Dumb story. Bad direction. Bad voice acting (except for Rihanna who isn’t bad but wrong for it because she’s a grown woman playing a little kid). Had a few cool ideas it took no advantage of, and many bad ideas it played out waaaaaaaaaaaay too long. Light & simple (aka dumbed-down) because it’s aimed at kids (who aren’t dumb) but full of adult “humor” (which isn’t funny) kids won’t get. There are worse movies on this list, but none I hate so fucking much (Tomorrowland comes close).


Jupiter Ascending
It really is that bad. Really. Tons of silly-ass nonsense, melodrama, overacting...and an excess of goofy shit I think we’re meant to take seriously. But it ain’t happenin’. The one movie on this list bad enough to be worth seeing because it’s so awful, and could even be enjoyable for that very reason.


Blackhat
The opposite of Jupiter: so bad it should never be seen. It’s like a few talented people got together to make a movie, spontaneously evaporated halfway through, and a handful of mutated wildebeests wandered into the abandoned studio to piece everything together. I don’t know how else to explain the horrible sound mix, the bad dubbing/ADR, the lousy editing, the constant shots through a long lens with some out-of-focus object or person obscuring whatever’s meant to be in frame...the directionless plot, pointless scenes, boring clichés...it’s intolerably awful. It doesn’t even end, but simply stops being a terrible movie because it’s finally over.

Ex Machina
I know! Lots of people love this movie and think it’s brilliant. They’ve all been fooled into thinking what others want them to...just like characters in the movie. Oh wait; maybe that means it IS brilliant! Nope. Not. Two of the three major performances are completely wrong, completely off-track from what they should be, from what would make them actually work, actually be believable. Oscar Isaac is, again, a fucking awesome actor -- too bad his supposedly super genius character does the dumbest possible thing whenever the plot requires him to. No surprises, no twists unseen, no turns unexpected...the whole thing is just lame, with lots of style to dress it up. Don’t be fooled, humans. It ain’t much to go on about.


Dishonorable Mention

The Hundred Foot Journey
Lasse Hallström, what the fuck? So many amazing, beautiful, light dramas in your career, and now this? Seriously; this?!? It takes forever to get around to being about whatever it’s supposed to be about, and even then, it’s horribly uninteresting. The characters are stupid, and they do nothing but argue (even when they have no reason to disagree), and they’re purposelessly petty, and there is no realistic human drama because there is no realistic human behavior...what fucking planet are they on in which people act like this? It’s so awful, I can’t believe his name is on it. The guy made What’s Eating Gilbert Grape, folks...he must have gotten sick and some co-producer with no experience took over. It’s just appalling. I don’t even remember the details because it’s such an awful fictional representation of anything resembling real people and their interests, none of it registered with me. I am sorry this thing even exists.

The Loved Ones
Tons of potential, all totally wasted. Characters making bad choices in a horror movie has become such a thing that it’s now either made fun of or plain old ignored, but here, when somebody does the stupidest thing they could do, it somehow plays like that wasn’t meant to be the stupidest thing. I mean, this guy escapes from people who’ve kidnapped & tortured him, but instead of getting away he hangs around watching them, then they see him and chase him, then he climbs a tree...yes, they’re pursuing him in a car and he goes up a tree. No, they’ll never catch you up there! Dumbass...I understand for the plot of the movie they need to recapture him, but does it have to play out so idiotically? Does the cop who shows up later to save him need to be so dumb as to turn his back on a room full of blood, without having checked ANY OTHER ROOM yet? Clear the house much, officer? Not worried about anyone coming up behind you and killing you? Which is, of course, exactly what happens, but it’s presented as if it’s supposed to be a shocker moment...as if we couldn’t completely see it coming. That’s just part of what makes this so fucking stupid. It’s basically a horror movie that wants to be a horror movie because it likes horror movies, but it’s so poorly written and staged it doesn’t know how to be a real horror movie. And many scenes drag on forever because the director & editor have no idea how to pace anything. So much promise, so little delivered.


Dead Snow
I’d heard this was a unique, funny, scary, foreign horror movie -- and it is indeed the second three of those six things. Otherwise it’s all clichés, poor direction, lackluster editing, unscary jump scares with stupid stinger music, no character development...it just sucks and is stupid. Apparently there’s also a sequel. No thanks. I’m done.

Dumb And Dumber To
Parts of it are not so bad: the two leads seamlessly resume their characters, Kathleen Turner is wonderfully cast, a couple of the gags are the right kind of silly...but in addition to being mostly unfunny, often racist & sexist, and occasionally downright mean-spirited, the whole thing felt like all it wanted to do was remind us how great and funny the first one was and still is. They even show images from that better, stronger movie during the credits -- and this is in addition to all the references, callbacks, & characters returning here. It could have been its own thing, but it wasn’t. 

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For anyone wondering why Star Wars: The Force Awakens isn’t on either list -- didn’t see it until January. But don’t expect it on next year’s list either...it’s decent, but neither exceptional nor execrable. If I had a yeah-it’s-all-right list, it’d be at the top...or the middle, if that’s how such a thing might work. Perhaps I’ll give it its own full review soon enough, if anyone’s still interested at this point. See what the future brings, we will.



What did the spoon say to the knife? May the fork be with you! (Sorry.)