What A Bitch!

(Sorry about the awkward formatting, but my design skills are limited to verbal, not visual, and I can't figure out how to get this damn thing to look the way I want. We just have to deal.)

Her flaws are obvious: she’s mean, she’s loud, she does bad things to good people and she’s not a nice person. But she’s a great character. And either we love her, or we love to hate her.

Jennifer Grey as Jeannie in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off is generally regarded as the queen of lovable movie bitches - and I certainly won’t disagree - but I thought I’d list a few others worth appreciating.

“Go piss up a flagpole.” - The Queen Bitch

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Marla Singer (Helena Bonham Carter) in Fight Club

The Unrepentant Bitch

She smokes constantly, steals food & laundry, screams during sex, and hangs around support groups for free drama and coffee. Marla is proof that even a woman with the harshest mouth and the poorest attitude has a soft side...somewhere.

“Here comes an avalanche of bullshit.”

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Delia Deetz (Catherine O’Hara) in Beetlejuice

The Harpy Bitch

Possibly the funniest bitch ever, and a great broad performance in what has long been my favorite movie. What makes the character work is that she doesn’t realize what a pain she is - she thinks she’s doing everyone a favor by yelling at them and demanding her way. Delia truly believes everyone would be so much happier if they would only shut up and do what she says.

“If you don't let me gut out this house and make it my own, I will go insane, and I will take you with me!”

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Kitty Farmer (Beth Grant) in Donnie Darko

The Busybody Bitch

She doesn’t raise cats, but she does antagonize everybody with her delusional self-righteousness and constant complaining. Like Delia, she truly believes she’s doing the right thing; unlike Delia, she actually thinks she’s being nice about it, and isn’t aware how little most people think of her. I don’t know another character who’s gotten on everyone’s nerves yet been so funny at the same time.

“Sometimes I doubt your commitment to Sparkle Motion!”

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Annie Wilkes (Kathy Bates) in Misery

The Crazy Bitch

Actually the sweetest, nicest, most caring & decent person you could ever ask to nurse you back to health in an isolated place...of course, she’s also obsessed, possessive, dominating, vengeful, and completely insane. When Annie wants you to stay in your room - you stay in your room, or you get hobbled.

“You just better start showing me a little appreciation around here, Mr. Man!”

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Carolyn Burnham (Annette Bening) in American Beauty

The Judgemental Bitch

Such a well-drawn character, and indeed a nomination-worthy performance, of a woman who tries so hard to be how she wants people to see her, she forgets who she really is and used to be. She insults, she derides, she chastises, but underneath it all Carolyn just wants to feel valued. A bitch who wasn’t always one, and could be reformed with a little time and a lot of love.

“Are you trying to look unattractive? Well, congratulations, you’ve succeeded admirably.”

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Asami (Eihi Shiina) in Audition

The Torturous Bitch

Just when you think you’ve found the perfect young woman to alleviate your terrible loneliness after the death of your wife, she injects paralyzing sedatives under your eyelids and saws off your limbs with surgical wire. Oh, darn. And she seemed so nice and sweet and submissive until you didn’t call when she expected you to.

“Words create lies. Pain can be trusted.”

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Darian (Danielle Harris) in The Last Boy Scout

The Bitch-In-Training

A foul-mouthed little almost-teen who treats Dad exactly like Mom does: without an ounce of respect. She yells at Bruce Willis, insults Damon Wayans, and hides a gun in a hand-puppet cat named Furry Tom. Harris was so good in the role she acquired an obsessed fan who came to her house with a gun - which is not cool, by the way. As great as these characters are, they don’t exist once the movie’s over. Try to remember that, folks.

“Kiss my ass! Is that clear enough?”

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Ellen (Mary Kate Schellhardt) in What’s Eating Gilbert Grape

The Teen Bitch

The youngest in a family of odd people and no father, because he hanged himself before she was born. Everything she does or says is about her, everything that matters to her should matter to everybody, and everyone she finds cause to disagree with will certainly get an earful. However - she’s just trying to find her place in the world, and it’s hard to fault her for that. Abrasive and self-centered she may be, but she always turns the corner to forgiveness, and in the end she puts her family first.

“I’m almost sixteen, and I got pages of ideas. He never does anything; this is no fair, Mom!”

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Princess Fiona (Cameron Diaz) in Shrek

The Stuck Up Bitch

She may be a princess, but, dang - show a little gratitude when someone risks their life for you, okay? Still - she can cook, she kicks ass, she’s as nasty as you are, and if you get an arrow in your butt she’ll pluck it out. Fiona may be a pain, but if you can put up with her long enough she’ll turn into a friend you can count on.

“I'm supposed to be rescued by my true love, not by some ogre and his pet!”

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Lori (Sharon Stone) in Total Recall

The Murderous Nympho Bitch

Okay, so she’s part of an interplanetary conspiracy to brainwash you as long as possible then kill you - she’s also super-hot and deflects every single conversation toward getting laid instead of talking. Director Paul Verhoeven liked Stone’s portrayal so much he cast her in his next film, Basic Instinct, playing essentially the same character (a murderous nympho) in a different environment. And that would be The Intellectual Bitch, but I’m not putting Catherine Tramell on this list because...well, she just doesn’t interest me.

“If you don’t trust me, you can tie me up...”

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Pamela Finklestein (Fran Drescher) in UHF

The Whiny Bitch

Essentially a decent person overall, but that first moment of complete frustration when she meets Weird Al’s George Newman, and his immediate reaction? Never stops being funny.

“It's kind of hard to get promoted when every other week you have a new boss! This job really sucks!”

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Mystery Woman (Carrie Fisher) in The Blues Brothers

The Tough Bitch

We never even get her name, but after trying to shoot and/or blow up our heroes several times without success, one sweet look from the ever-passionate Jake is enough to melt her fiery heart...and then leave her in the mud once again. This bitch is fiercely loyal and endlessly determined, making her a terrific woman to have by your side - just don’t leave her waiting in celibacy for you.

“For the common good, I must now kill you...and your brother.”

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There are plenty more lovable bitches in movie history; I didn’t even venture into movies from outside my own lifetime. So let’s hear from the gallery: who’s your favorite bitch?

(Next time: equal time for assholes!)

Slumdog Millionaire

Slumdog Millionaire won 8 Oscars. It was a struggle to fund, produce, & distribute. It is admired, beloved, and a tremendous emotional experience to millions of viewers around the world. It's also one of the most horribly contrived and predictable piles of crap I've seen in a long time.

Don't boo me, fans; I am actually an easy mark when it comes to epic tales of oft-delayed romance which turn out wonderful and beautiful in the end - I am indeed a sap, tears always at the ready - but when the plot points along the way are as forced as these, I'm gonna call foul. (The Notebook has the exact same qualities; I also hate that movie while wanting to like it.) And even putting aside the message of the film that money solves all problems - a message I find incredibly demeaning and insulting, even if probably true - most of the trouble these characters get into, or don't get out of, is their own fault.

Why is it so difficult for Jamal and Latika to stick together? Because they don't try to, until it suits the story. Even as adults, she has the chance to leave with him, and she doesn't, because "it's too late." Give me a break; if you want to go just go! And don't anyone claim she's afraid to leave because she's abused; that would be your assumption - the movie doesn't create that situation or that character. The filmmakers have the characters do what they want them to do to retain their story structure, whether it makes sense or not.

When they're still kids, Jamal listens to his brother Salim and doesn't go back for Latika, even though Salim left her behind for no reason. Years later, Salim kicks Jamal out because he wants Latika for his own purposes...but why? Because they're teenagers now and he's got the hots for her? Why her and not any other girl? What about looking after his little brother, and why doesn't Jamal do anything to keep track of them? It was so stupid...I thought Salim was forcing him out for one night, to have his way with the girl while he had a chance - because that's how the filmmakers sold it - but the story just skips ahead a few years like that was the end of it. This is poor story structure, and lousy character motivation.

And these are just the things they're doing to themselves - the situations that are forced upon them are so ridiculous and predictable that I absolutely did not care about anything that happened. Why is the host of the show telling a contestant he's going to lose, then secretly giving him wrong answers? What's the point of that? It's movie bullshit, and I hate fake drama. A character's actions have to be believable for that character...so a despicable person can certainly do despicable things, but that character has to have a reason he or she believes in...when it's just for the sake of giving your hero a moment of antagonism, it's movie bullshit.

So let's talk about predictability...yes, the movie will end with the hero and heroine safely reunited, all is well, blah blah blah that's a given and I'm very accepting of that. Right near the beginning, they're talking about The Three Musketeers, and how they didn't learn the name of the third one...gee, think that'll be the final question? What a shocker. The kids are saved from living in the dump by a nice man who gives them cold soda in glass bottles; think he'll turn out to be an evil scumbag with ulterior motives? Whuh-oh! And if that weren't already clear enough, we are treated to a scene in which the kids, happily eating lots and lots of food, talk about the nice man and discuss his eligibility for sainthood...golly, he really had them fooled! Such garbage in this movie, and a lot more than they showed at the landfill.

Near the end, when Salim lets Latika go (like we never saw his moment of redemption coming, though why he's such as ass in the first place is never established or motivated) he gives her his phone and makes a point to tell her to always keep it with her...and we know Jamal hasn't used his phone-a-friend lifeline yet, so when she gets out of a car in stalled traffic then goes to watch the live (ha!) broadcast of the show and Jamal uses the lifeline to call his brother, oh no she's left the phone in the car and has to run to get it before it stops ringing and Jamal won't be able to ask for help with the question and the whole thing is SO incredibly fucking awful I can't even continue to describe it without wanting to punch myself in the head. Do people really like this dreck?

Don't get me wrong - the film is beautifully made, and would be absolutely exhilarating to watch if it weren't so friggin' stupid. Just because I'm a reformed cynic doesn't mean I can't spot bullshit when I see it, and doesn't mean I'm now easily impressed. The things these filmmakers put the main character through, in order to show the trials he must endure to emerge victorious...complete nonsense. Is it really necessary, for the purposes of the story, to have Jamal beaten and tortured under suspicion of fraud in order to make him an underdog? No...but the filmmakers want him to be tread upon, so they have him beaten and tortured. They could just as easily have framed their story any other way, with Jamal telling his story of how he knew the answers. Because anyone within the story who already doesn't believe he didn't cheat isn't going to buy his explanation, either. If he were telling someone who would see it as he does - that it's destiny - the audience would then identify with the listener and find it fascinating. Even a reformed cynic would be fascinated...if the details weren't so incredibly pointless.

He knew Samuel Colt invented the revolver because his brother pointed a gun at him...he knew Benjamin Franklin is on the U.S. $100 bill because a tourist gave him one and his blind friend told him who it was...this is supposed to be a big deal? He knew things because information was presented to him at some point and he remembered it? Is that somehow unique? Don't we all do that? And if you want to analyze it, the difficulty of the show and others like it isn't simply knowing the information, it's being able to recall it under the circumstances, and the pressure...that's the hard part. Besides, I didn't actually notice his brother saying anything about who invented the revolver he was pointing at him...he did call it a Colt, but he didn't go into a brief lecture on the inventor.

What we have here is a mix of meaningful events in his life that don't actually present the necessary information, and relatively meaningless events that do present the precise information eventually needed on the show. He even answered a question with information that doesn't seem to have been presented to him in any way connected with the story being told in relation to that question...in fact it's so irrelevant we're even shown a repeat flashback of particular images, to make sure we know where the reference was...and this ain't the only flashback for that purpose. This is not a tightly-written screenplay, this is forcing the plot to go a certain way in order to manipulate the desired results. Bad bad bad bad bad.

Frankly it just sickens me when people allow themselves to be manipulated by such drivel. Apologies to those who love this movie, but I honestly had a stronger emotional reaction to Rocky Balboa...because the story itself is well-crafted. It isn't forced. And I'm not even a Rocky fan. That's just an example, because I saw it recently - and not a great movie by any stretch though perfectly decent - but if pressed I could probably name other movies I found more moving that haven't had nearly the impact on others which Slumdog has.

Being a writer, I mainly judge a movie on how well the story works in and of itself. This has good acting, interesting camerawork, solid editing, swell music (if occasionally incongruous with the scene it plays over), and an interesting concept - but they try so hard to make all the little pieces work together, that none of it works at all. And I wish more people were not taken in by this, or fooled by it. That continues to be my wish.

District 9

I don't get out much. Not to the movies, anyway. It's mostly a time and money thing, mainly the lack of one or both, but also, I'm rarely interested enough in a new movie to spend both time and money to go see it. Not because I don't like movies; I love movies...I just like movies that are good, interesting, compelling, entertaining - and not dumbed-down crapfests aimed at people who don't know any better. Thankfully, my wonderful friend Grace (who indubitably knows better) obtained free passes to an advance screening last night of District 9, I had time to go, and now that I've seen it, I'm actually willing to spend both time and money to see it again. It is that good.

I am, in general, supportive of the "summer movie" that is all about action & spectacle and light on story, as long as whatever story it does have actually works. I may not see those movies, but I support their existence. District 9 isn't one of those movies; it isn't light on anything. It's packed full of action & satire, sympathetic heroes & snarling villains, political commentary & brutal alien weaponry...plus the aliens themselves, which almost never appear to be special effects, even though they are. They look like they're right there in the scene, interacting with props & humans. Sometimes the humans are the props...

What makes this movie work is that the aliens not only don't look like special effects, they're not treated like them either. They're simply characters in the film, a part of the story. No special attention is paid to them; no one is saying "Look at all the work our animators put into making them look awesome, don't they look awesome?" They do, but that isn't the point. They're part of the scene, and only the focus of the scene when the story requires it.

The story itself does not quite go in the direction one might expect. Early in the film, bureaucrat-in-the-field Wikus Van Der Merwe is in the process of evicting aliens from their shacks (during an extended documentary-style opening that is constantly fascinating and entertaining) when he is accidentally exposed to some type of alien fluid...while it's easy to guess what effect this fluid will have on him, the direction the movie takes in the progression of events is not where I thought it would go...and I appreciate that. So if you think the movie is going to be about the widespread effect of these aliens on the Earth's environment...you will be quite happy with the unexpected.

What makes it work is that it doesn't turn into that type of global story; it's a personal story. It actually starts out bigger, with many people involved, and slowly narrows itself down to just a few individuals. And in the midst of this fascinating tale, there are great action scenes, smart writing, quality humor, and extremely heavy satire that doesn't feel heavy at all. The writing and direction maintain the tone of the sci-fi/action movie, when what it's really about is something much more serious and thought-provoking. That's what good science fiction does - creates a story of what is not, while reflecting what is.

Social commentary aside, the movie just kicks ass. It slows down a bit in the middle, but not long enough to lose interest, and there are certainly a few moments throughout where one might question the filmmakers' judgement ("Go on!" "No, I'm not leaving you behind!"), but overall it's just really damn good. The previously unknown lead actor gives an incredibly terrific performance, all the more impressive considering he'd never acted before, and spent much of his screen time talking to characters who weren't even on the set. The action is shot and edited so you can actually see what's going on, instead of most movies where it's cut up so hysterically that I can't even tell what I just saw. And no slow-motion shots at all, if I recall correctly - because when people use slo-mo in their action scene, they just want it to look cool. They usually don't care about the story, and the story in District 9 is definitely driving the film.

Toward the end of the movie, when there's a lot more action and very little downtime, it isn't just about shooting and blowing things up - the actions of the characters are very emotionally motivated. There's truly something at stake for them, good and bad, from beginning to end, and that kind of thing is what makes this film so much more rewarding. Nothing is overdone, everything is well-thought out, and I am thoroughly impressed with the storytelling. Absolutely the best movie I've seen this year. I can hardly wait to see it again.