Don't Fuck With Cats: A Garbage Shlockumentary

Initially this appeared to be some kind of mockumentary, but it becomes clear fairly quickly it's a real case involving real people, with much of the focus on two so-called internet sleuths who acquire an admittedly impressive list of information in their obviously abundant spare time...but mostly they just give audience to a demented loser who never found a positive outlet for his need to receive attention, and none of the details they dig up are actually useful in the eventual arrest and trial of this freak.

The documentary, however, tries to frame them as brilliant heroes who never gave up their remarkable efforts to bring a criminal to justice, when they are in fact equally narcissistic and very much complicit in his murderous behavior, despite their horror at his actions. The film also attempts to play like a fictional thriller, with the big reveal at the end showing all the little clues along the way it thinks its viewers were too stupid to recognize...but anyone who knows the movie Basic Instinct will identify the details immediately and wonder why no one in this story seems to catch on until it's all over.

A good documentary doesn't take a philosophical position on its subjects, instead presenting the information in a pure and unbiased manner -- thus allowing viewers to decide for themselves how to feel about the topic and events depicted...yet the writer/director of this trash chose to insult his audience and glorify despicable people who are too full of themselves to realize the harm they cause. It's compelling at times, but the overall effect is offensive and disappointing. 

Best & Worst Movies Of 2016

For most of the year I managed to see a lot of new movies in the theater, so this list will involve more titles actually released in the past twelve months than previous tops & bottoms...not entirely current, but close. Pretty close.

The Yes & The Wow!

(in no particular order)

Deadpool

Is it spectacularly mind-blowing and life-altering? Nah, but it does perfectly represent the character and tone of the comic in the most fun and entertaining way any fan could have hoped for. Always good to see a movie that wants to be something more than it wants to do something...if that makes sense. And for a movie this violent and deservedly R-rated, it doesn’t revel in its filthiness -- it just feels right.

Sausage Party

Speaking of filthiness, here’s a movie crammed full of it but not flaunting it without purpose. I didn’t even consider this group of comedic talents to have the ability to produce such thoughtful commentary on international relations, race, religion, and consumerism while also being so hilariously vulgar. They take the gags insanely far, yet never cross the line. Plus -- some great parody bits.

The Nice Guys

If you like anything Shane Black has ever done, you’ll probably like this. If you specifically appreciate Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, you really ought to like this. It isn’t quite as splendid as that earlier, brilliant film, but has the same offbeat sensibility, and this cast knows exactly how to make it work. An under-seen, entertaining, guiltless pleasure.

Captain America: Civil War

Yes, it really is that good. It balances so many characters, and so many points of view, without sacrificing drama or humor or any of their established attributes, and it adds new heroes soon to get their own movies...this is how you do that, Warner Bros; pay attention. It's just good solid entertainment, even without Hulk or Thor. Great action, strong acting, and a major set piece that feels like part of the larger story instead of the sole reason to make the movie. Good job, Marvel. Keep it going!

Finding Dory

For the first time since either of the Toy Story sequels, Pixar creates a follow-up which further develops the characters while building on the world already established. It’s funny and touching and somehow hits that sweet spot of precisely the right combination of ridiculous & heartwarming. Perhaps not every little moment is supremely perfect, but so much of it is so beautiful that it’s all worth it.

Shaun The Sheep Movie

With splendid stop-motion, impeccable comic timing, a big big heart, and no dialogue at all, this was the best animated film of 2015. Inside Out is indeed amazingly inventive and looks fantastic, but Shaun has a more cohesive story and a more accessible emotional truth. Funny, heartwarming, and great fun for all ages. Truly, truly, wonderful.

Honorable Mention

Star Trek Beyond

I thought the first two of this current cinematic series were dull and over-serious, but this one finally figured it out...which may have something to do with co-star/excellent writer/nerd extraordinaire Simon Pegg being heavily involved in the script. However it happened, it’s a fun sci-fi action movie that wants to entertain.

Zootopia

Disney made this? Their computer animation is usually so cajoling and condescending, but this manages to be smart & funny & cute & visually impressive. It is, unfortunately, often predictable, its subtext too plainly stated, and occasionally ruins its own gags by pointing directly at the humor and saying “See? That was the joke.” But it’s a good solid effort (finally) and I enjoyed it.

The Peanuts Movie

This one may not have a lot going on story-wise, but they’ve re-created and re-produced the tone and feel of the old Peanuts animations so faithfully and magnificently that only the most heartless cynic would call it a useless nostalgic cash-grab. Most kid-oriented remakes are exactly that (Smurfs, I’m looking at you), but this was truly made with love, and made effectively well.

The Walk

A well-told story making great use of its visual medium, dedicating half its runtime to the main event of the actual Walk. Missed it in the theater? So did I, but the blu-ray is dizzying and fascinating enough. I won’t lie, it ain’t perfect, it does have an unnecessary framing device with uninteresting narration, but like I said, it’s about the visual storytelling and that totally works.

The Huntsman: Winter’s War

Seems odd to make a sequel to a Snow White movie without Snow White, but placing Chris Hemsworth in the lead while adding the excellent Emily Blunt and solid Jessica Chastain to the always awesome Charlize Theron...well, I won’t say it can’t go wrong, because it could, but it didn’t. Even the strange story structure doesn’t detract from how good everyone is in this satisfying cinematic fantasy.

Hunt For The Wilderpeople

On the hunt again...okay not really but this New Zealand film from Taika Waititi, co-writer/director of last year’s favorite What We Do In The Shadows, puts together a jocular yet poignant look at growing up and getting older while generally trying to enjoy life while you can. Plus it’s good to hear Sam Neill give full use to his natural accent for once.

In The Heart Of The Sea

Hemsworth returns! And Ron Howard stops being a horrible hack long enough to get back to what made him a good director once upon a time: letting a good story speak for itself. This one kinda slipped under the theatrical radar, but it’s a good solid adventure and an engaging spectacle. Definitely worth checking out.

The No & The How?

I saw a lot of movies this year which weren’t good, but didn’t make me hate them for existing. They are, of course, the Dishonorable Mentions. Here’s a short and alphabetical list of a few of those substantially lousy but not horrendously awful:

The 5th Wave

If they’d just worked (a lot) harder to make an intelligent movie instead of trying to be the new Twilight (ugh), it could have been okay.

Alice Through The Looking Glass

A dumbed-down, insipid, joyless, lifeless contractual obligation for everyone involved (except Tim Burton who used to know better but now not so much).

Bad Moms

I’m glad such a movie about women exists and makes money; sadly this one is tremendously & thoroughly awful in all aspects.

The Boy

If you’ve seen any modern decently-produced horror movie, you’ve seen this collection of well-worn tropes and tricks.

Morgan

Poorly directed and predictable, not much going on with story and character.

Storks

Noisy, obnoxious, ridiculous, flimsy, and stuffed with filler to reach feature length.

Triple 9

Good actors playing stupid characters in a pointless, plotless, clichéd mess.

.....

Notice how none of those were worth more than a single sentence of appraisal? Yeah. Not much to see here, please move along now.

Thus, the worst of the woeful, in descending order of disappointedness:

Hail, Caesar!

I was so psyched for this when I saw the trailer: a Coen brothers movie about making movies during Hollywood’s heyday? Plus their usual mix of humor, intrigue, and colorful characters? How awesome would that have been? Instead we got a hodgepodge of meaningless plot points mushed into a variety of vignettes which, on their own, carry a strong Coen flavor, but do not a narrative make. This is nothing but a crummy collection of cameos and unrelated sequences adding up to far less than the sum of their parts. What a waste of a great concept.

Krampus

Another movie with a good cast and the potential to mix genres in a compelling way, yet failing to create more than the barest semblance of an entertaining, dramatic storyline. It’s too silly to be scary, too intent on trying to be horror to be taken seriously, and too lacking in logic or believable conflict to not roll eyes at. It’s slow, it’s stupid, and worst of all, it thinks it’s clever and intense. Spare me.

Pete’s Dragon

Can’t say expectations were high, but I did at least appreciate the intention of the adaptation, especially considering the strangeness of the original. Given that initial impression, however, I was disappointed in the execution here resulting in a sappy, simplistic, muddled melodramatic mess. It’s an awkwardly directed, poorly motivated, wholly uninteresting pile of cinematic slop. Plus the dragon looks and acts like a big green dog. And that’s just dumb.

The Secret Life Of Pets

I knew from the trailer this would be weak in the story department, and heavy on the silliness that only really young children can enjoy without more refined cognitive stimuli to go with it, but what I didn’t expect was how insanely violent and dull it is...yes, violent and dull at the same time. Over and over again, just waiting for these expensive-to-animate characters to stop beating and threatening each other so they could get on with the plot they so clearly ripped off from (and have done a disservice to) Toy Story. Even a lighthearted “kids” movie needs a proper dramaturgical progression, okay? Not just a bunch of dopey gags strung together.

Minions

Speaking of dopey gags and violence...again with what I knew going into this: the Minions work as comic side characters, but can’t carry their own storyline. They're goofy little goons, cute & charming in smaller moments, but (unsurprisingly) unendurably grating at feature length, especially in a nearly plotless narrative. What is funny about this movie is how it seems to try to prove, rather than disprove, that Minions fail as protagonists -- because every twenty minutes or so they take the overall story in a completely new direction, and a poorly paced one at that. Aimlessness aside, much of this horrendous rubbish is wildly inappropriate for kids, as many of the “jokes” are innuendo of some sort or involve people getting killed. Yes, killed. The Minions movie has a body count. How hilarious. Plus let’s not forget the abundant, annoying, and inane 3D gags, WAY too many already-overused songs from the era...yeah this is set in the 60’s for no discernibly necessary reason, aside from being a prequel, but even that doesn’t explain it...this loathsome junk is just utterly, utterly hateful. So I hate it. More than anything else I saw this year, I want this movie to burn and die.

The Boss

Some friends wanted to see this, because they didn’t know any better from the ads it would not be good, and even though I did know better I joined them, because Melissa McCarthy is talented, but just can’t seem to make a decent movie...and this is no exception. It’s nothing but weak storytelling, no real character development, multiple pointless fight sequences...and worst of all, it is just plain not funny...like, not even a little. I didn’t laugh once. Even my silly friends who at first didn’t know better barely let out a chuckle. It’s a darn shame.

.....

So that’s the year. Not a lot that's seriously impressive, but plenty of decent material to keep my faith in filmmakers who are putting it out there.

As for the rest of you boorish bunkum builders: get it together or give it up! I’ve had enough of your execrable excretions.

Star Wars: Episode IV: A New Hope: The Musical?

With a Star Wars movie currently in theaters, it seems like a good time to continue this series of cd's which don't exist.

Artist: The Wretched Hive
Album: Scum & Villainy

Songs:
     1. Fire When Ready
     2. That's No Moon
     3. Where Is The Ambassador
     4. My Only Hope
     5. Womp Rat Bullseye
     6. Stay On Target
     7. In Greater Numbers
     8. Boring Conversation
     9. Short For A Stormtrooper
     10. Search Your Feelings
     11. For Luck
     12. Let The Wookiee Win

Previous movie music which could be out there but ain't:

       Silence Of The Lambs

       The Big Lebowski

Best & Worst of 2015, Part II: The Quickening

We’re already two weeks into the new year so why waste time? Here’s the digs and dregs of all the movies I saw during the back half of the calendar.

So Good!!

Mad Max: Fury Road

Yep, that’s right: if the bandwagon is the War Rig, I’m on it. This is a visceral, gut-punching, heart-wrenching, head-banging explosion of joy and terror and excitement and dread and amazement, absolute fucking amazement, at the kind of cinematic beauty only true visionaries can create. Every single frame is an extraordinary work of art. Every character, costume, set, prop, and moment of sound are each an integral and appropriate part of the world. The movie is simply fucking awesome. It just is. No amount of words or praise can do it justice; one has to experience it for oneself.

What We Do In The Shadows

Sometimes it’s good to find a DVD on the library shelf and have no idea what you’re in for when you take it home. This movie, which pretends to be a documentary about centuries-old vampires in New Zealand, is consistently inventive and hilarious in a way very few movies can maintain; it is literally both those things for every single minute of its run time. If that doesn’t sell you nothing will, so I have little more to say about it. The characters are fun, the performers know exactly what they’re doing, and it’s somehow perfectly realistic and utterly ridiculous, in precisely the right way. My favorite surprise film of the year.

The Voices

Ryan Reynolds again proves how truly talented and versatile he is, in a movie hardly anybody saw or heard of. It’s certainly not perfect overall, but the skill and artistry on display from all the performers and filmmakers involved is exceedingly admirable. It doesn’t take any wrong turns with the drama, doesn’t cross the line into silliness with the satire...it rides that nebulous road known as tone by being equally amusing & disturbing, similarly serious & strange...one of those films which wanders into the corners of the human condition, just to see what’s there.

The Martian

This makes the list because it could have, so easily, been such a different movie, but instead of choosing some flashy young director to make it, they got Ridley Scott -- and he guides this story with the kind of confidence and acuity only such an experienced, composed filmmaker could. I admit I got very, very tired of the many “jokes” about disco music, most of which involved incongruous use of said music, and the overall structure didn’t feel natural or well-timed in spots, but it’s still a strong cinematic work and a pleasant experience to view. 

Ant-Man

I’m not saying it’s a great movie -- but it hits the right notes in the right way, it’s consistently enjoyable...in a year with a lot of half-assed garbage, it stands out for being well-made when it could have been fairly standard. It also has two terrific performances, from Corey Stoll (a seasoned and respected actor) as the bad guy and Abby Ryder Fortson (a young and inexperienced cute kid) as the hero’s cute kid. She is exceptionally good; way more than just adorable.

Honorable Mention

Mission Impossible: Rogue Nation

I say it’s the best of the five, and do so because it works better as a story than any of the others. Does it have the best stunts? The most style? Did I never once say “Come on; really?” while viewing? No. But if the story & characters come together well, I’ll always be more satisfied with the movie as a whole.

Chappie

Far short of the brilliamazing District 9, of course, yet far better than Elysium...Neill Blomkamp pulls off a movie that is often kinda dumb and generally makes little sense, but still somehow manages to be quite extraordinary in several of its moments. I recommend those moments. The rest of it, feel free to forget.

A Most Violent Year

The movie itself isn’t that exciting or fascinating, but the two lead performances are seriously good. Oscar Isaac inhabits his character so completely, and conveys so much with the smallest movements and inflections; just a great example of film acting. As for Jessica Chastain: she’s been in a lot of movies the last few years, always does a good job, never made a big impression on me despite all the accolades, but here she’s doing what I always wanted to be seeing in her other performances.

Super Bad...

Tomorrowland

Holy future shit is this movie annoying!! Such poor story construction...it takes insanely long to advance every plot point, it’s constantly repetitive, it wastes tons of time with look-how-amazing-everything-is scenes in which nothing actually happens...supposedly smart characters do the dumbest things & ask the stupidest questions...it’s also exceedingly violent at times for a PG “family” movie. It gets a little bit better, more toward the end, but by then...ugh; it ain’t nearly enough. This small portion is far too late the save the whole, with its few good ideas buried beneath an avalanche of slop. What a waste of money and talent.

Home

Fuck this stupid-ass shit-suck of a movie. Right in its colorful little animation hole. Dumb characters. Dumb story. Bad direction. Bad voice acting (except for Rihanna who isn’t bad but wrong for it because she’s a grown woman playing a little kid). Had a few cool ideas it took no advantage of, and many bad ideas it played out waaaaaaaaaaaay too long. Light & simple (aka dumbed-down) because it’s aimed at kids (who aren’t dumb) but full of adult “humor” (which isn’t funny) kids won’t get. There are worse movies on this list, but none I hate so fucking much (Tomorrowland comes close).

Jupiter Ascending

It really is that bad. Really. Tons of silly-ass nonsense, melodrama, overacting...and an excess of goofy shit I think we’re meant to take seriously. But it ain’t happenin’. The one movie on this list bad enough to be worth seeing because it’s so awful, and could even be enjoyable for that very reason.

Blackhat

The opposite of Jupiter: so bad it should never be seen. It’s like a few talented people got together to make a movie, spontaneously evaporated halfway through, and a handful of mutated wildebeests wandered into the abandoned studio to piece everything together. I don’t know how else to explain the horrible sound mix, the bad dubbing/ADR, the lousy editing, the constant shots through a long lens with some out-of-focus object or person obscuring whatever’s meant to be in frame...the directionless plot, pointless scenes, boring clichés...it’s intolerably awful. It doesn’t even end, but simply stops being a terrible movie because it’s finally over.

Ex Machina

I know! Lots of people love this movie and think it’s brilliant. They’ve all been fooled into thinking what others want them to...just like characters in the movie. Oh wait; maybe that means it IS brilliant! Nope. Not. Two of the three major performances are completely wrong, completely off-track from what they should be, from what would make them actually work, actually be believable. Oscar Isaac is, again, a fucking awesome actor -- too bad his supposedly super genius character does the dumbest possible thing whenever the plot requires him to. No surprises, no twists unseen, no turns unexpected...the whole thing is just lame, with lots of style to dress it up. Don’t be fooled, humans. It ain’t much to go on about.

Dishonorable Mention

The Hundred Foot Journey

Lasse Hallström, what the fuck? So many amazing, beautiful, light dramas in your career, and now this? Seriously; this?!? It takes forever to get around to being about whatever it’s supposed to be about, and even then, it’s horribly uninteresting. The characters are stupid, and they do nothing but argue (even when they have no reason to disagree), and they’re purposelessly petty, and there is no realistic human drama because there is no realistic human behavior...what fucking planet are they on in which people act like this? It’s so awful, I can’t believe his name is on it. The guy made What’s Eating Gilbert Grape, folks...he must have gotten sick and some co-producer with no experience took over. It’s just appalling. I don’t even remember the details because it’s such an awful fictional representation of anything resembling real people and their interests, none of it registered with me. I am sorry this thing even exists.

The Loved Ones

Tons of potential, all totally wasted. Characters making bad choices in a horror movie has become such a thing that it’s now either made fun of or plain old ignored, but here, when somebody does the stupidest thing they could do, it somehow plays like that wasn’t meant to be the stupidest thing. I mean, this guy escapes from people who’ve kidnapped & tortured him, but instead of getting away he hangs around watching them, then they see him and chase him, then he climbs a tree...yes, they’re pursuing him in a car and he goes up a tree. No, they’ll never catch you up there! Dumbass...I understand for the plot of the movie they need to recapture him, but does it have to play out so idiotically? Does the cop who shows up later to save him need to be so dumb as to turn his back on a room full of blood, without having checked ANY OTHER ROOM yet? Clear the house much, officer? Not worried about anyone coming up behind you and killing you? Which is, of course, exactly what happens, but it’s presented as if it’s supposed to be a shocker moment...as if we couldn’t completely see it coming. That’s just part of what makes this so fucking stupid. It’s basically a horror movie that wants to be a horror movie because it likes horror movies, but it’s so poorly written and staged it doesn’t know how to be a real horror movie. And many scenes drag on forever because the director & editor have no idea how to pace anything. So much promise, so little delivered.

Dead Snow

I’d heard this was a unique, funny, scary, foreign horror movie -- and it is indeed the second three of those six things. Otherwise it’s all clichés, poor direction, lackluster editing, unscary jump scares with stupid stinger music, no character development...it just sucks and is stupid. Apparently there’s also a sequel. No thanks. I’m done.

Dumb And Dumber To

Parts of it are not so bad: the two leads seamlessly resume their characters, Kathleen Turner is wonderfully cast, a couple of the gags are the right kind of silly...but in addition to being mostly unfunny, often racist & sexist, and occasionally downright mean-spirited, the whole thing felt like all it wanted to do was remind us how great and funny the first one was and still is. They even show images from that better, stronger movie during the credits -- and this is in addition to all the references, callbacks, & characters returning here. It could have been its own thing, but it wasn’t. 

----------

For anyone wondering why Star Wars: The Force Awakens isn’t on either list -- didn’t see it until January. But don’t expect it on next year’s list either...it’s decent, but neither exceptional nor execrable. If I had a yeah-it’s-all-right list, it’d be at the top...or the middle, if that’s how such a thing might work. Perhaps I’ll give it its own full review soon enough, if anyone’s still interested at this point. See what the future brings, we will.

What did the spoon say to the knife? May the fork be with you! (Sorry.)

7 Things Movies Need To Stop Doing Right Now

Ever get tired of seeing the same stupid movie moments over and over again? Not the big things, like major plot & character elements, but little clichés which are kinda dumb, and make you roll your eyes because you’ve seen it all before - and typically it wasn’t worth seeing in the first place. Like when two characters uncomfortable about starting a conversation both say “So” in succession -- what thrillingly introspective dialogue! Or even worse, they both start talking at the same time, then stop, then tell each other to go first…both of you, please; shut the fuck up. It’s also annoying when seemingly every movie uses the same familiar library of sound effects for babies crying, girls screaming, groups gasping, anyone farting...but that’s a tangential issue and we won’t get into it here.

This is about those small concepts of filmmaking there’s no reason should still exist, yet they keep happening all too often. I’m sick of them, and listing them here in hopes of inspiring a generation of moviemakers to stop doing them. Because they’re wrong, and cheap, and pathetic, and always will be. So knock it off.

Obscuring Characters Who Are The Focus

Of A Scene

If you’re over the age of ten (which most of you reading this likely are) you’ve seen this countless times, and probably never thought much about it -- but now that I’m pointing it out you’ll see it constantly, and it will surely irritate you as much as it does me (sorry about that): when a scene in a film or tv show is set in a public space, and the cameras are pointed at the actors, you will often see someone (or something) pass through the frame, briefly blocking your view of whatever you’re actually looking at. If you’re not paying much attention or don’t care, then good for you, but when you notice it, it’s incredibly disruptive. This is horrendously common for something so unnecessary and annoying. More so, it’s actually painful to the eye, as the bulk of the frame is temporarily occupied by an object out of focus. Then once that passes, and you readjust to looking at what’s in focus, something else eclipses your view.

I recall a movie in which four main characters were conversing at a table in an outdoor cafe, and the whole scene was shot with a long lens from across the street. So every two seconds, there’s a fucking car passing through the shot! Why are you paying these actors tons of money to be in your movie if you’re going to allow traffic to constantly drive over their pretty faces! Sometimes the vehicles would pass to reveal a different character, as if the movie used the car to mask an edit, and other times it would just be the same shot of the same person. So I guess whatever expression they made during the drive-through wasn’t important, huh? Why would you purposely prevent your audience from seeing an actor's entire performance?

And if it isn’t cars, it’s people. Extras walking through the frame, obstructing the carefully chosen angle of what we’re actually looking it. I just don’t get why this always happens; why it’s allowed to happen. We’re watching the movie or show for the actors & characters we know, not the people paid fifty bucks to walk around and pretend to be doing something all day. They’re called background performers for a reason, you know? They should be in the fucking background, not passing between the main actors and the camera. That’s the foreground. They don’t belong there.

This is mainly the fault of directors, but you know what? Editors, I’m callin’ you out on this too: if you’re cutting a scene with two characters in the middle of a room (often a restaurant) with two over-the-shoulder medium shots, and extras are walking through the line of fire...CUT AROUND THEM. Same deal when one person gets up to leave and crosses between the camera and the other actor. Nothing should be shot like this in the first place, but hey, it isn’t like you aren’t used to saving the picture from incompetent directors, right? So help us out and do away with this shit.

Using 555 Phone Numbers

We all know they’re fake, and we all know you can’t use actual phone numbers for legal reasons, but for fuck’s sake -- make an effort! Use something which doesn’t destroy the illusion of reality. We know we’re watching a movie, but do you have to remind us with this bullshit? Or hey, here’s an idea: DON’T SHOW OR SAY PHONE NUMBERS. Are writers this lazy they can’t figure a way around it? If so, do you have to use something everyone recognizes as made up?

You know what smart filmmakers do? Use an exchange starting with 1. No real phone numbers use this, but at least it seems like an an actual number. They don’t use 0, either; not for the first digit after the area code. That’s another way to avoid the familiar; use a fake area code. Some which aren’t used now may come into use in the future, but those numbers have rules, and there are always ways to choose something which will forever remain inaccessible. The point is, there are less obvious ways to use a fake phone number. Use your brains, people, and come up with one.

Drivers Looking At Passengers

Speaking of lazy writing: this fatuous foible should have been done away with over thirty years ago, when the brilliant and hilarious Strange Brew pointed it out and made it silly to even consider including. But it still happens in nearly every fucking scene in a car or moving vehicle. Seriously -- almost all of them. And I am so often tempted to look at something else and just listen to the dialogue, or skip the scene altogether. It’s absolutely enraging. Anyone in the real world who spends this much time not watching the road is guaranteed to cause or almost cause an accident.

Which a lot of the time is what actually fucking happens in the fucking show or movie! I cannot possibly proffer the preposterous number of instances in which I’ve seen a plot altered or set in motion due to this very thing. Really, writers and filmmakers? This is all you’ve got? Holy hellfire, halfwits...just don’t bother. You left your fucking imagination in the toilet and flushed without looking. I am distressingly disgruntled with this inanity.

People In A Desperate Hurry To Have Sex 

Aside from how useless sex scenes are in general, this is often nothing but a dumb joke which reveals zilch about the characters -- only more of the actors, literally. This stupidity usually happens in order to show how excited they are about getting together, because action reveals character, right? Yeah, but not when it’s the same moronic thing time after time after time. They like each other, they’re horny, we get it...what about the movie?

Not only does this idiocy not tell us anything about the characters nor move the story along, we’ve seen it eight thousand times before. Unless there’s actually a good reason to hurry, like the Earth’s gonna explode any minute and they really wanna get it on before they die, this is just unfunny and pointless.

Oh, and regarding my initial statement about how useless sex scenes are in general? I could, and possibly will at some point, write an entire essay condemning all their terrible clichés, so we won’t get into it any further here...no pun intended. And, I’m sorry. About the unintended pun. These things happen.

“Joking” On DVD Commentaries

About Viewers Listening To It

Without First Watching The Movie By Itself

Obviously not an issue with the movies themselves, but DVD/Blu-Ray extras are a big deal these days; there’s no point in doing them if you’re gonna do it poorly.

So the problem here is multi-dimensional. They make this dumbass statement as if A: it’s a joke; B: it’s in any way funny; and C: the first time anyone has ever made such a clever fucking observation. Yet I hear it in ALMOST EVERY SINGLE COMMENTARY EVER. Not an exaggeration. I haven’t exactly kept track, but it’s definitely an overwhelming majority.

I could, and probably won’t at some point, write an entire essay condemning all the other stupid things often occurring in commentaries...so I’ll list them real quick:

• saying “I love this” about EVERYTHING
• reading names from the titles/credits aloud and/or applauding/cheering
• having multiple commenters with relatively indistinguishable voices
• having too many people in the room so no one gets a chance to say much
• having too many people talk at once and/or engage in multiple simultaneous conversations, making the whole thing an indecipherable cacophony
• saying something about “that line” of dialogue without recognizing the obvious fact they’re talking over it and we can’t hear whatever line they’re referring to (even with subtitles on this is stupid because “that” line could be any of them)
• talking about something other than what’s happening onscreen and is unrelated to the movie in practically any way
• describing exactly what’s happening onscreen without providing oh, I don’t know, commentary?

In other words: be interesting, not idiotic.

Non-American Actors Doing American Accents In Most Of Their Movies

(Or TV Shows)

What is with the fascination american films have for casting foreign actors to play american characters with american accents? Yes I purposely did not capitalize those words, because this absurd practice takes away the “proper” aspect of america as a proper noun. Why must these films force folks from elsewhere to pretend they’re not? Isn’t this the land to which all but its decimated and disrespected natives have emigrated? What’s wrong with an American Citizen having a foreign accent? And you’ll notice I did capitalize it there, because being a decent member of a decent group who invites any decent human being to join is very proper indeed, and respectable. But to deliberately discourage non-conformity? That’s unconscionable!

Some may think I take this too seriously; it’s a just a character, who cares -- but honestly? It’s symptomatic xenophobia. It’s exclusionary, and it ain’t what this country’s supposed to be about. Yet it’s become so common we hardly think anything of it. A lot of people don’t even know some of their favorite actors are not born americans. Take a look at this list, see if you can pick out who’s from the U.S. and who isn’t:

Christian Bale

Colin Farrell

Eric Bana

Gary Oldman

Hugh Jackman

Hugh Laurie

Idris Elba

Isla Fisher

Kate Beckinsale

Kate Winslet

Naomi Watts

Rebecca Hall

Rose Byrne

Simon Baker

Tom Wilkinson

Toni Collette

How’d you do? If you didn’t already realize, not a single one of these talented thespians originates stateside -- but all of them can, and quite often do, speak with an exemplary american accent. Surely you knew some of them are foreign to the U.S.; maybe you knew it of all of ‘em. Perhaps you’re also aware each of them has done well-known films with their natural accent, but a very large percentage of their widely-distributed performances are of them playing american...and even if you do know where they’re from, a whole lot of other people don’t. Many of these actors only get to do their natural accent once in a great while, when they’re playing a character specifically from the part of the world they themselves are from. They were likely cast in the role for precisely that purpose, and end up making lots of causal viewers think that’s the movie in which they’re putting on a pretend pronunciation!

Now, I’m not saying no actor should be allowed to play a character with a different accent; that’s silly...and there goes half Meryl Streep’s career. What I’m saying is, there’s no reason a performer from elsewhere in the world needs to consistently and repeatedly put on an american accent in an american-made movie. I’ve seen Sarah Snook, an Australian, in two movies; american accent both times. To their credit, both stories had her character growing up in specifically american surroundings, so it wouldn’t make sense to sound Australian, but I expect to see a lot more of her -- because she’s very good -- and I’ll be disappointed if she has to do this every time. Then there’s poor Gary Oldman, who’s done so many accents in so many films he actually LOST his original dialect and had to hire a speech therapist to get it back. That’s his heritage! And it got away from him. It’s sad. It’s wrong.

The thing is, we let some actors get away with never changing their manner of speech; why not others? In the last forty-five years, how many times has Arnold Schwarzenegger had a different accent? None! He either plays himself, Austrian, or Russian or German. Or it isn’t brought up at all. Sometimes they explained his accent by giving his character a backstory similar to his own, but at some point they gave up, because we get it: he’s Ah-nold. We don’t care how he sounds; we’ve even learned to appreciate it. How about Academy Award Winner Sir Anthony Hopkins? He never bothers to take on another dialect, and no one bothers to complain. People either don’t mind, don’t care, or don’t notice. So why don’t we just let people be people, let characters be characters, and forget about certain small details. Because when it doesn’t matter, it doesn’t matter. So let it not matter.

Lame-Ass Foreshadowing

When there's no immediately recognizable reason...

• someone coughing: will get sick and die.
• a woman throwing up: is pregnant.
• anyone stating a fear or phobia: will end up in a situation forcing them to face or otherwise encounter said fear.
• anyone stating they will absolutely definitely not ever do something: will immediately be shown doing this exact thing after a quick edit.
• someone in a one-shot speaking in a vulnerable or confessional manner: will be revealed as alone and rehearsing some kind of speech.

Maybe, once, a long long time ago, these were clever or effective...not any more. We all know how they work at this point. Retire them, please. Think of something new. Be original. That’s what gets viewers interested.

These seven stupidities are the big issues bugging me lately; got any others? Profess your perpetually pesky peeves in the comments below!