Here’s the deal: I don’t work from a list of movies which have been released during a calendar year, because I don’t often manage to see them when they’re new. Instead, I rank those I’ve viewed for the first time during said year, regardless of when they were initially revealed to the world. And I’m doing this at the end of June because I don’t want to wait another six months. I’ll do another half-year list then.
This is also in alphabetical order because it’s pointless to rank them further when they’re this good or bad. I may have stronger feelings toward some, but instead of numerical placement I’ll let the words chosen to describe them convey this on their own.
And so we begin!
Good Thrills
The Babadook
All the familiar aspects of a horror movie are here, but are used so well - with such confidence and precision - it feels like a new experience. Sometimes it shows restraint, other times it's an onslaught of visual and aural stimuli. Regarding said sound design; it’s insanely good. Just the right quality of what you hear or what you don’t, what is scary and what is normal. Sometimes it’s scary because it’s normal. And through all this, there is a truly terrifying psychological undercurrent running beneath the supernatural veneer. An astonishing example of what the medium of film can create.
The Battery
One of the best examples ever of how no-budget limitations can be a blessing, and used to produce a much more thoughtful and intelligent movie than additional money might have allowed or encouraged. While there are occasional issues with the storytelling and direction, most of the time the lack of funds serves these elements well, as the camera tends to stay away from big action sequences which would cost a lot and take a long time to shoot. So it’s a zombie movie with very few zombies or human cast members, but they each interact with the others in a realistic manner grounded in simple, clear motivations. They don’t get involved in major set pieces just so there can be an action scene every ten minutes; their actions are based on individual goals, which sometimes conflict. A solid buddy movie and horror concept which derives many of its scares from what you don’t know and can’t see. Excellent filmmaking at its most fundamental.
Blue Ruin
Another low-budget success! At least in terms of quality drama; I have no idea how well it did in regard to profit, etc. But here is a story about people in direct conflict, who don’t necessarily want to be doing what they’re doing but are compelled to see it through. It’s a revenge plot in which the revenge is not presented as admirable (finally!) but as an unfortunate choice which has extremely destructive consequences. The hero - if one can call him that - is both a bumbling amateur and extraordinarily clever, exhibiting each attribute depending on what he’s gotten himself into at one point or another. He knows what he’s doing is wrong, and doesn’t actually want to carry it out - which is more than anyone can say about those with whom he’s feuding - but he does so anyway because he can’t live with himself if he doesn’t. Complex characters, with clear motives. The way drama should always be done.
The Double
If I’d watched this not knowing anything about those behind it, I’d think Terry Gilliam made a film based on something by Kafka...but no, it’s a Dostoevsky novel adapted by a guy best known for playing a tech support geek on a British sitcom. But talent is talent, and Richard Ayoade knows exactly what he’s doing. This movie is dark, surreal, odd, funny, nervous, and beautiful. Jesse Eisenberg plays a dual role, and since both characters are usually dressed the same the only way to tell them apart is by his distinctly spectacular performances. Add to that this film’s wonderful lighting, tone, sound, music, and overall weirdness: you end up with an insanely brilliant work which doesn’t always make sense but doesn’t have to, because it’s just so enjoyable to view such artistry.
Predestination
A few years ago, the Spierig brothers from Australia quietly made Daybreakers - an excellent vampire movie full of intelligent and assured filmmaking. With Predestination, they’ve quietly done the same for a unique time travel concept. Some of its secrets may be easy to guess before they’re revealed, but the story being told is so beautiful and compelling that it doesn’t entirely matter what you know or think you know. The journey, from beginning to end and back around, is so exquisitely crafted that any piece of information you determine or discover ahead of time can only enhance your experience. The amazing actress Sarah Snook, another Australian, is extraordinary in her role and would stand out in any film, whether taking a lead role or supporting...and Ethan Hawke is good the way he is when he’s good, which is more often than he’s generally given credit for. And while the mind-bending elements of time travel do play a large part, what the movie’s really about is one’s sense of identity and purpose. At least that’s what I got out of it; everyone should see it for themselves and take away what they will.
Honorable Mention
22 Jump Street
Funny as fuck. I especially love the references and jokes about sequels and moviemaking in general. Not exactly brilliant cinema; how could it be? But pure entertainment always has value.
Exodus: Gods And Kings
It tells what people know as a biblical story without making it religious. Director Ridley Scott, as he often does, combines wondrous visuals with emotional depth. Imperfect but solidly enjoyable.
Frances Ha
One of those great introspective indies with terrific characters and tremendous performances. Always good to see female-centered films which aren’t silly clichéd romantic comedies.
Bad Spills
Afflicted
I’ll be mentioning this again when I write about found footage films, but will try to refrain at that time from ranting about how endlessly fucking stupid it is. One thing which bothered me, a lot, aside from the dumbness of the story: there are two main characters; a filmmaker and his subject. The filmmaker guy has all sorts of cameras and lenses and other equipment for recording their trip around the world, or whatever the fuck this was supposed to be about, but, SPOILER: he gets killed halfway through. Maybe even earlier. Up to that point, we already had to deal with his handheld found-footage-style bullshit, but now that he's dead, we're viewing footage supposedly captured by the guy who DOESN’T KNOW HOW TO USE THE FUCKING CAMERA. So it’s deliberately shot as if the guy shooting doesn’t know how to shoot. Yeah, that’s fucking brilliant. It's fucking terrible to look at, guys...and you tell me you WANTED it to look like this? Fuck off. The story itself is just a brainless retread of monster movies and other tired-ass found footage crap. Worthless beyond measure.
Big Hero 6
I already slammed this one earlier, so I won’t go into detail again, but holy shit did it make me fucking mad to watch this. In a way I’m glad I saw it after the Oscars, already knowing it’d won (ha) Best Animated Feature - because if I’d seen this shitbomb before the Oscars and then had to learn it won, I might have snapped some connective fibers in my brain while exploding with uncomprehending rage. As it is, I just watched it thinking “This garbage won the top award in its field? Fucking insane.”
The Giver
Briefly mentioned in a multi-review, so here’s a bit more left unsaid: it’s one of those adaptations of classic books which spends so much thought and energy on the design of the film, and making the world of the book appear on screen; I find no fault with it regarding how it looks and feels...but the story and the characters are so fucking stupid and ridiculous I don’t even know how anyone involved read or watched this from beginning to end and thought “Yeah, that makes sense.” Not a single plot element or character motivation works in proper conjunction with any other. They’re just people doing what the story says is supposed to happen. Plus it contains magical/mystical/supernatural elements which are NOT established as being a part of this world. I’ll buy anything through suspension of disbelief IF it’s properly established as existing, the rules governing such fantastic elements are presented, and everything stays within those guidelines. Seriously, anything, if it’s done right. This does everything wrong. A lot of the acting stinks too.
Hell Baby
I thought this was going to be a funny, silly, goofy, horror comedy. Nothing in it is funny. Not one thing. It tries, but weird and aimless ain’t funny. It’s boring. The fucking title character doesn’t even show up until nearly the end, then has one scene and it’s over! What the fuck? I even tried to find a screen shot of the actual hell baby from the movie and couldn’t find one! That’s how unimportant the hell baby is to a movie called Hell Baby. There’s a haunted house, and possessed people, and odd neighbors, and corrupt authority figures, but none of it has anything to do with anything! I kept waiting for something pertinent to occur, but it doesn’t. It’s like an exercise in wasting a talented cast on stupid bullshit to see how much they put up with before they quit, then using whatever footage the crew managed to get and cutting a movie out of it. Hopeless crapola.
Need For Speed
The caveat on the inclusion of this hateful mess is that I did not watch the entire movie...I know, I know, it isn’t fair to judge it not having seen it all, but I guarantee you: it could only have gotten worse. I gave up after 40 minutes - twice as long as I’ll usually tolerate something which obviously sucks and I already loathe. It’s unrepentingly stupid, and misogynist, and the kind of movie in which the characters do the stupidest possible thing and are then surprised when stuff goes bad for them. Duh. Even the one thing this movie might have done well, which is race cars, looks terrible. Just a lot of expensive-looking vehicles zooming past the camera. Ooh, thrilling. I’d get more excitement out of a Hot Wheels set with a plastic track.
Dishonorable Mention
Jessabelle
Another clunker written by half the writer/director team of Hell Baby. I’m not trying to rip on them, they’ve done plenty of decent work in the past; maybe this is just a slump. Anyway, this supposed horror movie does a lot of things The Babadook does, but does them all wrong. Every common cliché, every obvious foreshadowing, every stupid jump scare and dumbass character decision one can think of - all here. The writing is so transparent, I constantly found myself seeing right through all the hints at “what really happened” and wondering why the characters didn’t look into such things...at all.
There’s even a point when the title character finds a videotape in the wall - because the ghost broke a mirror hiding it - and she just throws it off to the side and screams. So obviously, there is information on this tape she will need at some point, but the filmmakers don’t want her to know it just yet, so she doesn’t watch it. And I’m just waiting for the point near the end when she realizes oh yeah, that video, I’ll watch it and learn the secret…which does occur, but she doesn’t even have to deal with trying to remember what she did with the tape, or bother searching for it, because the fucking ghost TURNS ON THE TV and the tape has been placed on a nearby table. Gee, ghost, if you can do that shit, why not just tell the bitch up front what your fucking problem is?
I know that’s a stupid thing to say about a horror movie, because if every angry spirit in every movie could communicate so plainly, there wouldn’t be a movie. I get that. But if there are limitations on the ghost’s abilities, fucking abide by those limitations! And don’t get me started on what terrible, expository writing it is to have information revealed to the protagonist through a series of videotapes...and then try to find reasons to prevent her from watching all of them at once like any normal person would. Just lame all around.
If you’re wondering why I’m writing at such length about a movie I didn’t even include in the worst five, it’s because the thing isn’t horrible in every way. Sarah Snook, the star of Predestination, is just as good here, even if the story is shit and her character’s an idiot. There’s nothing wrong with the lighting or sound or other aspects of filmmaking; they’re all well executed...they’re simply done in the hackiest of ways. Yeah, that’s how awful it is to watch this mess; I have to make up words to describe its badness.
Just Go With It
Oddly enough, Adam Sandler is not the issue here. He doesn’t play that annoying obnoxious asshole he usually does, just a decent charming guy who causes a major problem for himself. He even has good chemistry with Jennifer Aniston, who is the main reason I even tried watching this: she’s often good, thus sometimes makes movies she is in turn out better than they otherwise might. But not this time: the story is just too dumb, the characters’ choices too pointless and obvious; too contrived. A bad decision has to be the result of a character flaw, not merely the screenwriter’s need for conflict. The farce doesn’t play here because the conflict is so unnecessary. And the movie skips over important scenes which would be pivotal if this plot actually merited significant attention. But it doesn’t, so what would be pertinent in a good movie happens offscreen in this one. Also: of the two kids, the little girl is a good actress and has been good in other movies; the boy is terrible. He cannot act. I don’t know how he got the job. Some producer’s kid, maybe.
Locke
No clue why this had so many positive reviews raving about its brilliance. One reviewer wasn’t sure how an entire movie about one guy in a car managed to not be boring…easy; it did not manage this. I won’t say nothing happens, because events do occur and lives do change - offscreen. Over the phone. The whole movie is this guy driving and talking to various people on the phone, telling them things they don’t pay attention to, and then it’s over. Seriously; no one listens to him. He tells them what they should do and they don’t do it, then call him back and ask him what to do. Or they just flat out refuse his advice. It’s fucking ridiculous.
If there were actually some tension generated by the fact this guy is in the car on the way somewhere and can’t help the idiots more directly, I might go along with it, but there's no sense of anything truly at stake. And how many times does one man need to talk to the same four people on the phone in ninety minutes? Nobody does that! And nothing is fully resolved: he’s still driving when it’s over, having said what he intends to do, but why listen to himself when no one else does? So anything could change. Just a dumb gimmick that didn’t work, despite Tom Hardy actually being very good. Too bad the material gave him no chance of success.
The Mortal Instruments: City Of Bones
Just another dumb adaptation of a dumb book series written for teens to make them feel like they’re not special and they can’t do anything important. Yes, that’s exactly what I think these stories do, even though they claim to be empowering, and the kids only like them because they like the fantasy that they aren’t in fact just like everyone else but special and powerful and magic and all other kinds of bullshit. Every person - adult, teen, or child - is indeed unique, while still sharing the same fears and doubts as everyone else, even though they think they don’t. These movies don’t promote that. They promote the idea that even though you think you are just the same dull human being as everyone else, maybe you have magical powers you don’t know about yet, you’ll meet a nice vampire, you’ll find the courage to save your oppressed kingdom...fucking stupid escapist fantasy bullshit.
Even if it weren’t, the movie’s just bad. It creates numerous story threads it then leaves hanging, the characters are turkey-slice thin and poorly motivated, plus the direction prefers hectic what-the-fuck-is-happening-ness to properly showing the action. Nothing but dull rubbish trying to capitalize on an already popular product. From what I understand, it failed; a box office bomb. Good. Fuck that noise.
The Other Woman
Again, a story intending to present itself as empowering to a particular demographic - in this case women over 35 instead of under 17 - but instead is stupidity piled on top of itself. Nobody in this movie thinks like a rational, sane, adult human being. They do the dumbest possible thing at every turn...or if not something pea-brained, then just plain old petty and puerile, not to mention simplistically selfish.
And for a supposedly "adult" comedy, it sure goes for the lowbrow laughs. Bad sex jokes in every breath, except for when the cheated-on ladies secretly slip the bad guy some laxatives for the purpose of a bathroom scene with nasty splashy farty sounds which goes on for a LONG, LONG time. Ha. So hilarious. Don’t they realize Dumb & Dumber is the pinnacle of this gag (no pun intended) and can never be improved upon? Leave it out of the script and try to be intelligent instead. Even without that stinky scene, the whole movie smelled the same. I knew it would be bad but watched it anyway just to see where and how it went wrong. The answer: everywhere, in every way.
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And now, a first: on BOTH lists, we have…
Troll 2!!
SUCH a bad movie - but so amusing to watch, and make fun of, and watch again for how awful and funny and stupid and delightful it somehow ends up being.
So yes I loved it, but it’s terrible. Downright horrific! Best worst movie indeed.
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