Finally, the long-delayed sequel to movie Bitches: Assholes!
In terms of film history, there are a lot more to choose from here, as movies have a lot of villains - and villains tend to be Assholes. Rarely is the protagonist the Asshole, unless he becomes a better person by the end - like Bill Murray’s Phil Connors in Groundhog Day, a fine example of an Asshole protagonist.
So, given the depth & breadth of movie Assholes (ha ha), this is but a small selection of representatives. Spoilers abound, but these movies have been around a while; anything you didn’t know is your own fault. And again, apologies for any oddities in layout & formatting...if it bothers you, try not to be an asshole about it.
Mr. Blonde/Vic Vega (Michael Madsen) in Reservoir Dogs
The Psychopath Asshole
Yes, he
is cool. And while he is also quite the badass, he did turn a simple robbery into a bloodbath, for no apparent
reason other than he kinda felt like it. And what does he do, after shooting a bunch of people and getting several of his cohorts shot or killed? He shoves a rookie cop in his trunk, stops for a bite to eat, cuts off the poor guy’s ear, and prepares to burn him alive. Not exactly Mr. Normal here.
“If they hadn’t ‘a done what I told ‘em not to do, they’d still be alive.”
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Randal Graves (Jeff Anderson) in Clerks
The Vulgar Asshole
The antithesis of his best (and apparently only) friend Dante, Randal says whatever he thinks - and does whatever he wants - because he’s free to be himself. Unconcerned with whom he offends or how badly, he has no qualms about ordering a long list of porn videos over the phone in front of a little girl and her mom, or spitting water on a guy just to prove that title doesn’t dictate behavior. And the truth is, he’s not a bad person - he simply never bothers to keep his mouth shut.
“This job would be great if it wasn’t for the fuckin’ customers.”
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Biff Tannen (Thomas F Wilson) in Back To The Future
The Bully Asshole
One mark of a great performer is the ability to play a character very much unlike oneself - Tom Wilson, the actor, is in fact quite shy, and gentle, and sweet. Biff, on the other hand, torments and harasses every single person he interacts with: the McFlys, Lorraine, his group of so-called friends, even his grandmother (in Part II)...though she doesn’t seem especially fond of him either. We never get much more insight into his behavior, but clearly, he has issues.
“What’re you lookin’ at, butthead?”
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Hank Evans (Jim Carrey) in Me, Myself & Irene
The Unstable Asshole
Never mind the enormous lack of clinical accuracy regarding severe mental health concerns; Hank appears in the moments when Charlie - the nice guy host personality - is psychologically incapable of standing up for himself. But Hank’s been suppressed so long, once he’s loose he goes
WAY overboard. He assaults several people, insults everyone else, destroys plenty of property...and leaves the mess for poor Charlie to clean up.
“Hey, ringworm...yeah I’m talkin’ to you, you toxic waste of life.”
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Hopper (Kevin Spacey) in A Bug’s Life
The Insecure Asshole
So what if it’s G-rated animation; an Asshole’s an Asshole! Hopper’s whole theory of life is this: knock the other guy down before he realizes he could knock
you down. So while he and the other grasshoppers are three times the size of the ants, those ants outnumber them a hundred to one - and if the ants ever figure that out, those lazy grasshoppers might have to do something for themselves.
“If I hadn’t promised Mother, on her deathbed, that I wouldn’t kill you...I would kill you!”
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Ian Malcolm & Dennis Nedry (Jeff Goldblum & Wayne Knight) in Jurassic Park
The Genius Asshole
Two sides of the same obnoxious coin, they both think and act on the conviction they’re smarter than everyone around them - and they both pay for it. Their egos get them maimed, incapacitated, and in Nedry’s case, eaten. While it’s a good thing to use one’s superior knowledge in the advancement of science and understanding, it isn’t nice to rub everyone’s nose in it.
“Did I go too fast? I did a fly-by.”
“Ah-ah-ah...you didn’t say the magic word!”
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David (Dylan Moran) in Shaun of the Dead
The Uptight Asshole
The spoilsport, the party pooper, the guy who insists on disparaging everyone and everything under discussion or under way. He’s insulting, passive-aggressive, argumentative, and really shouldn’t have been pointing that gun at Shaun’s mum (even if she was a z-word). In his defense, he does finally stop whining and complaining - unless you count the screaming - once the hungry masses tear his limbs from his torso as they’re devouring it.
“Basically, I’d say your nine lives were up, Shaun.”
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Jim (Anthony Michael Hall) in Edward Scissorhands
The Jealous Asshole
At some point, he must have had a certain appeal - or Winona Ryder’s Kim wouldn’t be his girlfriend - but now he’s constantly abusive and demanding. When he sees a more respectful relationship developing between the “freak” he hates and the girl he loves (read: has chosen to possess as though she were property), he turns increasingly violent...and becomes one of 8 Assholes on this list to end up dead.
“Are you serious? Lose you to that? He isn’t even human!”
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Jasper Bloom (Rufus Sewell) in The Holiday
The Conceited Asshole
Selfish and self-centered, not only does he cheat on the women who love him, he uses them, coaxes them into taking care of things for him, and somehow still manages to make them desire his attention. He’s got such a ridiculous sense of entitlement that he literally can’t believe it - seriously; he would have considered it impossible if the idea could have even occurred to him - when Kate Winslet’s Iris finally frees herself from him emotionally.
“So you are eventually gonna look at me, aren’t you?”
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Kit Ramsey (Eddie Murphy) in Bowfinger
The Movie Star Asshole
Kit does have genuine psychological issues - and the movie’s protagonists are certainly messing with him - but that’s no excuse for constantly berating everyone around him. He also looks for trouble where there is none, scanning a script to count the instances of the letter K and calling it a racist conspiracy when that number (1456) is divisible by three (which it isn’t). He’s gotten so used to being treated like a superstar he expects every whim to be catered to - no matter how crazy he sounds.
“I’m the biggest black action star in the world! Where’s my ‘Hasta la vista, baby’ ? If Arnold Schwarzencracker is gettin’ to say lines like that, you better make sure that Kit Ramsey has shit that’s equally well-written!”
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Kent Mansley (Christopher McDonald) in The Iron Giant
The Government Asshole
McDonald has built a career out of playing characters nobody likes, and Mansley is no exception. He’s paranoid, xenophobic, and constantly struggling to prove his worth, even to people he looks down upon. He is so hell-bent on destroying the Giant - with no other reason than he doesn’t know where it came from therefore it must be dangerous - he
launches a nuclear missile into a town full of people, including himself. And then tries to run away!
“I’m not at liberty to reveal the particulars of the agency I work for...and all that that implies.”
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Kim Jong Il (Trey Parker) in Team America: World Police
The Grandiose Asshole
No, I am not going to quote the movie's speech about assholes; I’m sure it’s easily found elsewhere. But just what is the little guy’s problem? Napoleon complex? No hugs during childhood? Whatever his issues, he’s nice to nobody...and if he is, he’s only setting them up for an imminent attack. He’ll settle for nothing less than complete world domination - even if he has to blow up most of the world to get it. And that, movie friends, is what makes him such a huge, gaping Asshole.
“Do you have any idea how fucking busy I am?!”
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Honorable Mentions:
Agent Smith (Hugo Weaving) in
The Matrix
The Digital Asshole
Drexl Spivey (Gary Oldman) in
True Romance
The Wannabe Asshole
AUTO (MacInTalk) in
WALL-E
The Misguided Asshole
