Best & Worst of 2015, Part II: The Quickening

We’re already two weeks into the new year so why waste time? Here’s the digs and dregs of all the movies I saw during the back half of the calendar.

So Good!!

Mad Max: Fury Road

Yep, that’s right: if the bandwagon is the War Rig, I’m on it. This is a visceral, gut-punching, heart-wrenching, head-banging explosion of joy and terror and excitement and dread and amazement, absolute fucking amazement, at the kind of cinematic beauty only true visionaries can create. Every single frame is an extraordinary work of art. Every character, costume, set, prop, and moment of sound are each an integral and appropriate part of the world. The movie is simply fucking awesome. It just is. No amount of words or praise can do it justice; one has to experience it for oneself.

What We Do In The Shadows

Sometimes it’s good to find a DVD on the library shelf and have no idea what you’re in for when you take it home. This movie, which pretends to be a documentary about centuries-old vampires in New Zealand, is consistently inventive and hilarious in a way very few movies can maintain; it is literally both those things for every single minute of its run time. If that doesn’t sell you nothing will, so I have little more to say about it. The characters are fun, the performers know exactly what they’re doing, and it’s somehow perfectly realistic and utterly ridiculous, in precisely the right way. My favorite surprise film of the year.

The Voices

Ryan Reynolds again proves how truly talented and versatile he is, in a movie hardly anybody saw or heard of. It’s certainly not perfect overall, but the skill and artistry on display from all the performers and filmmakers involved is exceedingly admirable. It doesn’t take any wrong turns with the drama, doesn’t cross the line into silliness with the satire...it rides that nebulous road known as tone by being equally amusing & disturbing, similarly serious & strange...one of those films which wanders into the corners of the human condition, just to see what’s there.

The Martian

This makes the list because it could have, so easily, been such a different movie, but instead of choosing some flashy young director to make it, they got Ridley Scott -- and he guides this story with the kind of confidence and acuity only such an experienced, composed filmmaker could. I admit I got very, very tired of the many “jokes” about disco music, most of which involved incongruous use of said music, and the overall structure didn’t feel natural or well-timed in spots, but it’s still a strong cinematic work and a pleasant experience to view. 

Ant-Man

I’m not saying it’s a great movie -- but it hits the right notes in the right way, it’s consistently enjoyable...in a year with a lot of half-assed garbage, it stands out for being well-made when it could have been fairly standard. It also has two terrific performances, from Corey Stoll (a seasoned and respected actor) as the bad guy and Abby Ryder Fortson (a young and inexperienced cute kid) as the hero’s cute kid. She is exceptionally good; way more than just adorable.

Honorable Mention

Mission Impossible: Rogue Nation

I say it’s the best of the five, and do so because it works better as a story than any of the others. Does it have the best stunts? The most style? Did I never once say “Come on; really?” while viewing? No. But if the story & characters come together well, I’ll always be more satisfied with the movie as a whole.

Chappie

Far short of the brilliamazing District 9, of course, yet far better than Elysium...Neill Blomkamp pulls off a movie that is often kinda dumb and generally makes little sense, but still somehow manages to be quite extraordinary in several of its moments. I recommend those moments. The rest of it, feel free to forget.

A Most Violent Year

The movie itself isn’t that exciting or fascinating, but the two lead performances are seriously good. Oscar Isaac inhabits his character so completely, and conveys so much with the smallest movements and inflections; just a great example of film acting. As for Jessica Chastain: she’s been in a lot of movies the last few years, always does a good job, never made a big impression on me despite all the accolades, but here she’s doing what I always wanted to be seeing in her other performances.

Super Bad...

Tomorrowland

Holy future shit is this movie annoying!! Such poor story construction...it takes insanely long to advance every plot point, it’s constantly repetitive, it wastes tons of time with look-how-amazing-everything-is scenes in which nothing actually happens...supposedly smart characters do the dumbest things & ask the stupidest questions...it’s also exceedingly violent at times for a PG “family” movie. It gets a little bit better, more toward the end, but by then...ugh; it ain’t nearly enough. This small portion is far too late the save the whole, with its few good ideas buried beneath an avalanche of slop. What a waste of money and talent.

Home

Fuck this stupid-ass shit-suck of a movie. Right in its colorful little animation hole. Dumb characters. Dumb story. Bad direction. Bad voice acting (except for Rihanna who isn’t bad but wrong for it because she’s a grown woman playing a little kid). Had a few cool ideas it took no advantage of, and many bad ideas it played out waaaaaaaaaaaay too long. Light & simple (aka dumbed-down) because it’s aimed at kids (who aren’t dumb) but full of adult “humor” (which isn’t funny) kids won’t get. There are worse movies on this list, but none I hate so fucking much (Tomorrowland comes close).

Jupiter Ascending

It really is that bad. Really. Tons of silly-ass nonsense, melodrama, overacting...and an excess of goofy shit I think we’re meant to take seriously. But it ain’t happenin’. The one movie on this list bad enough to be worth seeing because it’s so awful, and could even be enjoyable for that very reason.

Blackhat

The opposite of Jupiter: so bad it should never be seen. It’s like a few talented people got together to make a movie, spontaneously evaporated halfway through, and a handful of mutated wildebeests wandered into the abandoned studio to piece everything together. I don’t know how else to explain the horrible sound mix, the bad dubbing/ADR, the lousy editing, the constant shots through a long lens with some out-of-focus object or person obscuring whatever’s meant to be in frame...the directionless plot, pointless scenes, boring clichés...it’s intolerably awful. It doesn’t even end, but simply stops being a terrible movie because it’s finally over.

Ex Machina

I know! Lots of people love this movie and think it’s brilliant. They’ve all been fooled into thinking what others want them to...just like characters in the movie. Oh wait; maybe that means it IS brilliant! Nope. Not. Two of the three major performances are completely wrong, completely off-track from what they should be, from what would make them actually work, actually be believable. Oscar Isaac is, again, a fucking awesome actor -- too bad his supposedly super genius character does the dumbest possible thing whenever the plot requires him to. No surprises, no twists unseen, no turns unexpected...the whole thing is just lame, with lots of style to dress it up. Don’t be fooled, humans. It ain’t much to go on about.

Dishonorable Mention

The Hundred Foot Journey

Lasse Hallström, what the fuck? So many amazing, beautiful, light dramas in your career, and now this? Seriously; this?!? It takes forever to get around to being about whatever it’s supposed to be about, and even then, it’s horribly uninteresting. The characters are stupid, and they do nothing but argue (even when they have no reason to disagree), and they’re purposelessly petty, and there is no realistic human drama because there is no realistic human behavior...what fucking planet are they on in which people act like this? It’s so awful, I can’t believe his name is on it. The guy made What’s Eating Gilbert Grape, folks...he must have gotten sick and some co-producer with no experience took over. It’s just appalling. I don’t even remember the details because it’s such an awful fictional representation of anything resembling real people and their interests, none of it registered with me. I am sorry this thing even exists.

The Loved Ones

Tons of potential, all totally wasted. Characters making bad choices in a horror movie has become such a thing that it’s now either made fun of or plain old ignored, but here, when somebody does the stupidest thing they could do, it somehow plays like that wasn’t meant to be the stupidest thing. I mean, this guy escapes from people who’ve kidnapped & tortured him, but instead of getting away he hangs around watching them, then they see him and chase him, then he climbs a tree...yes, they’re pursuing him in a car and he goes up a tree. No, they’ll never catch you up there! Dumbass...I understand for the plot of the movie they need to recapture him, but does it have to play out so idiotically? Does the cop who shows up later to save him need to be so dumb as to turn his back on a room full of blood, without having checked ANY OTHER ROOM yet? Clear the house much, officer? Not worried about anyone coming up behind you and killing you? Which is, of course, exactly what happens, but it’s presented as if it’s supposed to be a shocker moment...as if we couldn’t completely see it coming. That’s just part of what makes this so fucking stupid. It’s basically a horror movie that wants to be a horror movie because it likes horror movies, but it’s so poorly written and staged it doesn’t know how to be a real horror movie. And many scenes drag on forever because the director & editor have no idea how to pace anything. So much promise, so little delivered.

Dead Snow

I’d heard this was a unique, funny, scary, foreign horror movie -- and it is indeed the second three of those six things. Otherwise it’s all clichés, poor direction, lackluster editing, unscary jump scares with stupid stinger music, no character development...it just sucks and is stupid. Apparently there’s also a sequel. No thanks. I’m done.

Dumb And Dumber To

Parts of it are not so bad: the two leads seamlessly resume their characters, Kathleen Turner is wonderfully cast, a couple of the gags are the right kind of silly...but in addition to being mostly unfunny, often racist & sexist, and occasionally downright mean-spirited, the whole thing felt like all it wanted to do was remind us how great and funny the first one was and still is. They even show images from that better, stronger movie during the credits -- and this is in addition to all the references, callbacks, & characters returning here. It could have been its own thing, but it wasn’t. 

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For anyone wondering why Star Wars: The Force Awakens isn’t on either list -- didn’t see it until January. But don’t expect it on next year’s list either...it’s decent, but neither exceptional nor execrable. If I had a yeah-it’s-all-right list, it’d be at the top...or the middle, if that’s how such a thing might work. Perhaps I’ll give it its own full review soon enough, if anyone’s still interested at this point. See what the future brings, we will.

What did the spoon say to the knife? May the fork be with you! (Sorry.)

7 Things Movies Need To Stop Doing Right Now

Ever get tired of seeing the same stupid movie moments over and over again? Not the big things, like major plot & character elements, but little clichés which are kinda dumb, and make you roll your eyes because you’ve seen it all before - and typically it wasn’t worth seeing in the first place. Like when two characters uncomfortable about starting a conversation both say “So” in succession -- what thrillingly introspective dialogue! Or even worse, they both start talking at the same time, then stop, then tell each other to go first…both of you, please; shut the fuck up. It’s also annoying when seemingly every movie uses the same familiar library of sound effects for babies crying, girls screaming, groups gasping, anyone farting...but that’s a tangential issue and we won’t get into it here.

This is about those small concepts of filmmaking there’s no reason should still exist, yet they keep happening all too often. I’m sick of them, and listing them here in hopes of inspiring a generation of moviemakers to stop doing them. Because they’re wrong, and cheap, and pathetic, and always will be. So knock it off.

Obscuring Characters Who Are The Focus

Of A Scene

If you’re over the age of ten (which most of you reading this likely are) you’ve seen this countless times, and probably never thought much about it -- but now that I’m pointing it out you’ll see it constantly, and it will surely irritate you as much as it does me (sorry about that): when a scene in a film or tv show is set in a public space, and the cameras are pointed at the actors, you will often see someone (or something) pass through the frame, briefly blocking your view of whatever you’re actually looking at. If you’re not paying much attention or don’t care, then good for you, but when you notice it, it’s incredibly disruptive. This is horrendously common for something so unnecessary and annoying. More so, it’s actually painful to the eye, as the bulk of the frame is temporarily occupied by an object out of focus. Then once that passes, and you readjust to looking at what’s in focus, something else eclipses your view.

I recall a movie in which four main characters were conversing at a table in an outdoor cafe, and the whole scene was shot with a long lens from across the street. So every two seconds, there’s a fucking car passing through the shot! Why are you paying these actors tons of money to be in your movie if you’re going to allow traffic to constantly drive over their pretty faces! Sometimes the vehicles would pass to reveal a different character, as if the movie used the car to mask an edit, and other times it would just be the same shot of the same person. So I guess whatever expression they made during the drive-through wasn’t important, huh? Why would you purposely prevent your audience from seeing an actor's entire performance?

And if it isn’t cars, it’s people. Extras walking through the frame, obstructing the carefully chosen angle of what we’re actually looking it. I just don’t get why this always happens; why it’s allowed to happen. We’re watching the movie or show for the actors & characters we know, not the people paid fifty bucks to walk around and pretend to be doing something all day. They’re called background performers for a reason, you know? They should be in the fucking background, not passing between the main actors and the camera. That’s the foreground. They don’t belong there.

This is mainly the fault of directors, but you know what? Editors, I’m callin’ you out on this too: if you’re cutting a scene with two characters in the middle of a room (often a restaurant) with two over-the-shoulder medium shots, and extras are walking through the line of fire...CUT AROUND THEM. Same deal when one person gets up to leave and crosses between the camera and the other actor. Nothing should be shot like this in the first place, but hey, it isn’t like you aren’t used to saving the picture from incompetent directors, right? So help us out and do away with this shit.

Using 555 Phone Numbers

We all know they’re fake, and we all know you can’t use actual phone numbers for legal reasons, but for fuck’s sake -- make an effort! Use something which doesn’t destroy the illusion of reality. We know we’re watching a movie, but do you have to remind us with this bullshit? Or hey, here’s an idea: DON’T SHOW OR SAY PHONE NUMBERS. Are writers this lazy they can’t figure a way around it? If so, do you have to use something everyone recognizes as made up?

You know what smart filmmakers do? Use an exchange starting with 1. No real phone numbers use this, but at least it seems like an an actual number. They don’t use 0, either; not for the first digit after the area code. That’s another way to avoid the familiar; use a fake area code. Some which aren’t used now may come into use in the future, but those numbers have rules, and there are always ways to choose something which will forever remain inaccessible. The point is, there are less obvious ways to use a fake phone number. Use your brains, people, and come up with one.

Drivers Looking At Passengers

Speaking of lazy writing: this fatuous foible should have been done away with over thirty years ago, when the brilliant and hilarious Strange Brew pointed it out and made it silly to even consider including. But it still happens in nearly every fucking scene in a car or moving vehicle. Seriously -- almost all of them. And I am so often tempted to look at something else and just listen to the dialogue, or skip the scene altogether. It’s absolutely enraging. Anyone in the real world who spends this much time not watching the road is guaranteed to cause or almost cause an accident.

Which a lot of the time is what actually fucking happens in the fucking show or movie! I cannot possibly proffer the preposterous number of instances in which I’ve seen a plot altered or set in motion due to this very thing. Really, writers and filmmakers? This is all you’ve got? Holy hellfire, halfwits...just don’t bother. You left your fucking imagination in the toilet and flushed without looking. I am distressingly disgruntled with this inanity.

People In A Desperate Hurry To Have Sex 

Aside from how useless sex scenes are in general, this is often nothing but a dumb joke which reveals zilch about the characters -- only more of the actors, literally. This stupidity usually happens in order to show how excited they are about getting together, because action reveals character, right? Yeah, but not when it’s the same moronic thing time after time after time. They like each other, they’re horny, we get it...what about the movie?

Not only does this idiocy not tell us anything about the characters nor move the story along, we’ve seen it eight thousand times before. Unless there’s actually a good reason to hurry, like the Earth’s gonna explode any minute and they really wanna get it on before they die, this is just unfunny and pointless.

Oh, and regarding my initial statement about how useless sex scenes are in general? I could, and possibly will at some point, write an entire essay condemning all their terrible clichés, so we won’t get into it any further here...no pun intended. And, I’m sorry. About the unintended pun. These things happen.

“Joking” On DVD Commentaries

About Viewers Listening To It

Without First Watching The Movie By Itself

Obviously not an issue with the movies themselves, but DVD/Blu-Ray extras are a big deal these days; there’s no point in doing them if you’re gonna do it poorly.

So the problem here is multi-dimensional. They make this dumbass statement as if A: it’s a joke; B: it’s in any way funny; and C: the first time anyone has ever made such a clever fucking observation. Yet I hear it in ALMOST EVERY SINGLE COMMENTARY EVER. Not an exaggeration. I haven’t exactly kept track, but it’s definitely an overwhelming majority.

I could, and probably won’t at some point, write an entire essay condemning all the other stupid things often occurring in commentaries...so I’ll list them real quick:

• saying “I love this” about EVERYTHING
• reading names from the titles/credits aloud and/or applauding/cheering
• having multiple commenters with relatively indistinguishable voices
• having too many people in the room so no one gets a chance to say much
• having too many people talk at once and/or engage in multiple simultaneous conversations, making the whole thing an indecipherable cacophony
• saying something about “that line” of dialogue without recognizing the obvious fact they’re talking over it and we can’t hear whatever line they’re referring to (even with subtitles on this is stupid because “that” line could be any of them)
• talking about something other than what’s happening onscreen and is unrelated to the movie in practically any way
• describing exactly what’s happening onscreen without providing oh, I don’t know, commentary?

In other words: be interesting, not idiotic.

Non-American Actors Doing American Accents In Most Of Their Movies

(Or TV Shows)

What is with the fascination american films have for casting foreign actors to play american characters with american accents? Yes I purposely did not capitalize those words, because this absurd practice takes away the “proper” aspect of america as a proper noun. Why must these films force folks from elsewhere to pretend they’re not? Isn’t this the land to which all but its decimated and disrespected natives have emigrated? What’s wrong with an American Citizen having a foreign accent? And you’ll notice I did capitalize it there, because being a decent member of a decent group who invites any decent human being to join is very proper indeed, and respectable. But to deliberately discourage non-conformity? That’s unconscionable!

Some may think I take this too seriously; it’s a just a character, who cares -- but honestly? It’s symptomatic xenophobia. It’s exclusionary, and it ain’t what this country’s supposed to be about. Yet it’s become so common we hardly think anything of it. A lot of people don’t even know some of their favorite actors are not born americans. Take a look at this list, see if you can pick out who’s from the U.S. and who isn’t:

Christian Bale

Colin Farrell

Eric Bana

Gary Oldman

Hugh Jackman

Hugh Laurie

Idris Elba

Isla Fisher

Kate Beckinsale

Kate Winslet

Naomi Watts

Rebecca Hall

Rose Byrne

Simon Baker

Tom Wilkinson

Toni Collette

How’d you do? If you didn’t already realize, not a single one of these talented thespians originates stateside -- but all of them can, and quite often do, speak with an exemplary american accent. Surely you knew some of them are foreign to the U.S.; maybe you knew it of all of ‘em. Perhaps you’re also aware each of them has done well-known films with their natural accent, but a very large percentage of their widely-distributed performances are of them playing american...and even if you do know where they’re from, a whole lot of other people don’t. Many of these actors only get to do their natural accent once in a great while, when they’re playing a character specifically from the part of the world they themselves are from. They were likely cast in the role for precisely that purpose, and end up making lots of causal viewers think that’s the movie in which they’re putting on a pretend pronunciation!

Now, I’m not saying no actor should be allowed to play a character with a different accent; that’s silly...and there goes half Meryl Streep’s career. What I’m saying is, there’s no reason a performer from elsewhere in the world needs to consistently and repeatedly put on an american accent in an american-made movie. I’ve seen Sarah Snook, an Australian, in two movies; american accent both times. To their credit, both stories had her character growing up in specifically american surroundings, so it wouldn’t make sense to sound Australian, but I expect to see a lot more of her -- because she’s very good -- and I’ll be disappointed if she has to do this every time. Then there’s poor Gary Oldman, who’s done so many accents in so many films he actually LOST his original dialect and had to hire a speech therapist to get it back. That’s his heritage! And it got away from him. It’s sad. It’s wrong.

The thing is, we let some actors get away with never changing their manner of speech; why not others? In the last forty-five years, how many times has Arnold Schwarzenegger had a different accent? None! He either plays himself, Austrian, or Russian or German. Or it isn’t brought up at all. Sometimes they explained his accent by giving his character a backstory similar to his own, but at some point they gave up, because we get it: he’s Ah-nold. We don’t care how he sounds; we’ve even learned to appreciate it. How about Academy Award Winner Sir Anthony Hopkins? He never bothers to take on another dialect, and no one bothers to complain. People either don’t mind, don’t care, or don’t notice. So why don’t we just let people be people, let characters be characters, and forget about certain small details. Because when it doesn’t matter, it doesn’t matter. So let it not matter.

Lame-Ass Foreshadowing

When there's no immediately recognizable reason...

• someone coughing: will get sick and die.
• a woman throwing up: is pregnant.
• anyone stating a fear or phobia: will end up in a situation forcing them to face or otherwise encounter said fear.
• anyone stating they will absolutely definitely not ever do something: will immediately be shown doing this exact thing after a quick edit.
• someone in a one-shot speaking in a vulnerable or confessional manner: will be revealed as alone and rehearsing some kind of speech.

Maybe, once, a long long time ago, these were clever or effective...not any more. We all know how they work at this point. Retire them, please. Think of something new. Be original. That’s what gets viewers interested.

These seven stupidities are the big issues bugging me lately; got any others? Profess your perpetually pesky peeves in the comments below!

Best & Worst Movies I’ve Seen This Half-Year

Here’s the deal: I don’t work from a list of movies which have been released during a calendar year, because I don’t often manage to see them when they’re new. Instead, I rank those I’ve viewed for the first time during said year, regardless of when they were initially revealed to the world. And I’m doing this at the end of June because I don’t want to wait another six months. I’ll do another half-year list then.

This is also in alphabetical order because it’s pointless to rank them further when they’re this good or bad. I may have stronger feelings toward some, but instead of numerical placement I’ll let the words chosen to describe them convey this on their own.

And so we begin!

Good Thrills

The Babadook

All the familiar aspects of a horror movie are here, but are used so well - with such confidence and precision - it feels like a new experience. Sometimes it shows restraint, other times it's an onslaught of visual and aural stimuli. Regarding said sound design; it’s insanely good. Just the right quality of what you hear or what you don’t, what is scary and what is normal. Sometimes it’s scary because it’s normal. And through all this, there is a truly terrifying psychological undercurrent running beneath the supernatural veneer. An astonishing example of what the medium of film can create.

The Battery

One of the best examples ever of how no-budget limitations can be a blessing, and used to produce a much more thoughtful and intelligent movie than additional money might have allowed or encouraged. While there are occasional issues with the storytelling and direction, most of the time the lack of funds serves these elements well, as the camera tends to stay away from big action sequences which would cost a lot and take a long time to shoot. So it’s a zombie movie with very few zombies or human cast members, but they each interact with the others in a realistic manner grounded in simple, clear motivations. They don’t get involved in major set pieces just so there can be an action scene every ten minutes; their actions are based on individual goals, which sometimes conflict. A solid buddy movie and horror concept which derives many of its scares from what you don’t know and can’t see. Excellent filmmaking at its most fundamental.

Blue Ruin

Another low-budget success! At least in terms of quality drama; I have no idea how well it did in regard to profit, etc. But here is a story about people in direct conflict, who don’t necessarily want to be doing what they’re doing but are compelled to see it through. It’s a revenge plot in which the revenge is not presented as admirable (finally!) but as an unfortunate choice which has extremely destructive consequences. The hero - if one can call him that - is both a bumbling amateur and extraordinarily clever, exhibiting each attribute depending on what he’s gotten himself into at one point or another. He knows what he’s doing is wrong, and doesn’t actually want to carry it out - which is more than anyone can say about those with whom he’s feuding - but he does so anyway because he can’t live with himself if he doesn’t. Complex characters, with clear motives. The way drama should always be done.

The Double

If I’d watched this not knowing anything about those behind it, I’d think Terry Gilliam made a film based on something by Kafka...but no, it’s a Dostoevsky novel adapted by a guy best known for playing a tech support geek on a British sitcom. But talent is talent, and Richard Ayoade knows exactly what he’s doing. This movie is dark, surreal, odd, funny, nervous, and beautiful. Jesse Eisenberg plays a dual role, and since both characters are usually dressed the same the only way to tell them apart is by his distinctly spectacular performances. Add to that this film’s wonderful lighting, tone, sound, music, and overall weirdness: you end up with an insanely brilliant work which doesn’t always make sense but doesn’t have to, because it’s just so enjoyable to view such artistry.

Predestination

A few years ago, the Spierig brothers from Australia quietly made Daybreakers - an excellent vampire movie full of intelligent and assured filmmaking. With Predestination, they’ve quietly done the same for a unique time travel concept. Some of its secrets may be easy to guess before they’re revealed, but the story being told is so beautiful and compelling that it doesn’t entirely matter what you know or think you know. The journey, from beginning to end and back around, is so exquisitely crafted that any piece of information you determine or discover ahead of time can only enhance your experience. The amazing actress Sarah Snook, another Australian, is extraordinary in her role and would stand out in any film, whether taking a lead role or supporting...and Ethan Hawke is good the way he is when he’s good, which is more often than he’s generally given credit for. And while the mind-bending elements of time travel do play a large part, what the movie’s really about is one’s sense of identity and purpose. At least that’s what I got out of it; everyone should see it for themselves and take away what they will.

Honorable Mention

22 Jump Street

Funny as fuck. I especially love the references and jokes about sequels and moviemaking in general. Not exactly brilliant cinema; how could it be? But pure entertainment always has value.

Exodus: Gods And Kings

It tells what people know as a biblical story without making it religious. Director Ridley Scott, as he often does, combines wondrous visuals with emotional depth. Imperfect but solidly enjoyable.

Frances Ha

One of those great introspective indies with terrific characters and tremendous performances. Always good to see female-centered films which aren’t silly clichéd romantic comedies.

Bad Spills

Afflicted

I’ll be mentioning this again when I write about found footage films, but will try to refrain at that time from ranting about how endlessly fucking stupid it is. One thing which bothered me, a lot, aside from the dumbness of the story: there are two main characters; a filmmaker and his subject. The filmmaker guy has all sorts of cameras and lenses and other equipment for recording their trip around the world, or whatever the fuck this was supposed to be about, but, SPOILER: he gets killed halfway through. Maybe even earlier. Up to that point, we already had to deal with his handheld found-footage-style bullshit, but now that he's dead, we're viewing footage supposedly captured by the guy who DOESN’T KNOW HOW TO USE THE FUCKING CAMERA. So it’s deliberately shot as if the guy shooting doesn’t know how to shoot. Yeah, that’s fucking brilliant. It's fucking terrible to look at, guys...and you tell me you WANTED it to look like this? Fuck off. The story itself is just a brainless retread of monster movies and other tired-ass found footage crap. Worthless beyond measure.

Big Hero 6

I already slammed this one earlier, so I won’t go into detail again, but holy shit did it make me fucking mad to watch this. In a way I’m glad I saw it after the Oscars, already knowing it’d won (ha) Best Animated Feature - because if I’d seen this shitbomb before the Oscars and then had to learn it won, I might have snapped some connective fibers in my brain while exploding with uncomprehending rage. As it is, I just watched it thinking “This garbage won the top award in its field? Fucking insane.”

The Giver

Briefly mentioned in a multi-review, so here’s a bit more left unsaid: it’s one of those adaptations of classic books which spends so much thought and energy on the design of the film, and making the world of the book appear on screen; I find no fault with it regarding how it looks and feels...but the story and the characters are so fucking stupid and ridiculous I don’t even know how anyone involved read or watched this from beginning to end and thought “Yeah, that makes sense.” Not a single plot element or character motivation works in proper conjunction with any other. They’re just people doing what the story says is supposed to happen. Plus it contains magical/mystical/supernatural elements which are NOT established as being a part of this world. I’ll buy anything through suspension of disbelief IF it’s properly established as existing, the rules governing such fantastic elements are presented, and everything stays within those guidelines. Seriously, anything, if it’s done right. This does everything wrong. A lot of the acting stinks too.

Hell Baby

I thought this was going to be a funny, silly, goofy, horror comedy. Nothing in it is funny. Not one thing. It tries, but weird and aimless ain’t funny. It’s boring. The fucking title character doesn’t even show up until nearly the end, then has one scene and it’s over! What the fuck? I even tried to find a screen shot of the actual hell baby from the movie and couldn’t find one! That’s how unimportant the hell baby is to a movie called Hell Baby. There’s a haunted house, and possessed people, and odd neighbors, and corrupt authority figures, but none of it has anything to do with anything! I kept waiting for something pertinent to occur, but it doesn’t. It’s like an exercise in wasting a talented cast on stupid bullshit to see how much they put up with before they quit, then using whatever footage the crew managed to get and cutting a movie out of it. Hopeless crapola.

Need For Speed

The caveat on the inclusion of this hateful mess is that I did not watch the entire movie...I know, I know, it isn’t fair to judge it not having seen it all, but I guarantee you: it could only have gotten worse. I gave up after 40 minutes - twice as long as I’ll usually tolerate something which obviously sucks and I already loathe. It’s unrepentingly stupid, and misogynist, and the kind of movie in which the characters do the stupidest possible thing and are then surprised when stuff goes bad for them. Duh. Even the one thing this movie might have done well, which is race cars, looks terrible. Just a lot of expensive-looking vehicles zooming past the camera. Ooh, thrilling. I’d get more excitement out of a Hot Wheels set with a plastic track.

Dishonorable Mention

Jessabelle

Another clunker written by half the writer/director team of Hell Baby. I’m not trying to rip on them, they’ve done plenty of decent work in the past; maybe this is just a slump. Anyway, this supposed horror movie does a lot of things The Babadook does, but does them all wrong. Every common cliché, every obvious foreshadowing, every stupid jump scare and dumbass character decision one can think of - all here. The writing is so transparent, I constantly found myself seeing right through all the hints at “what really happened” and wondering why the characters didn’t look into such things...at all.

There’s even a point when the title character finds a videotape in the wall - because the ghost broke a mirror hiding it - and she just throws it off to the side and screams. So obviously, there is information on this tape she will need at some point, but the filmmakers don’t want her to know it just yet, so she doesn’t watch it. And I’m just waiting for the point near the end when she realizes oh yeah, that video, I’ll watch it and learn the secret…which does occur, but she doesn’t even have to deal with trying to remember what she did with the tape, or bother searching for it, because the fucking ghost TURNS ON THE TV and the tape has been placed on a nearby table. Gee, ghost, if you can do that shit, why not just tell the bitch up front what your fucking problem is?

I know that’s a stupid thing to say about a horror movie, because if every angry spirit in every movie could communicate so plainly, there wouldn’t be a movie. I get that. But if there are limitations on the ghost’s abilities, fucking abide by those limitations! And don’t get me started on what terrible, expository writing it is to have information revealed to the protagonist through a series of videotapes...and then try to find reasons to prevent her from watching all of them at once like any normal person would. Just lame all around.

If you’re wondering why I’m writing at such length about a movie I didn’t even include in the worst five, it’s because the thing isn’t horrible in every way. Sarah Snook, the star of Predestination, is just as good here, even if the story is shit and her character’s an idiot. There’s nothing wrong with the lighting or sound or other aspects of filmmaking; they’re all well executed...they’re simply done in the hackiest of ways. Yeah, that’s how awful it is to watch this mess; I have to make up words to describe its badness.

Just Go With It

Oddly enough, Adam Sandler is not the issue here. He doesn’t play that annoying obnoxious asshole he usually does, just a decent charming guy who causes a major problem for himself. He even has good chemistry with Jennifer Aniston, who is the main reason I even tried watching this: she’s often good, thus sometimes makes movies she is in turn out better than they otherwise might. But not this time: the story is just too dumb, the characters’ choices too pointless and obvious; too contrived. A bad decision has to be the result of a character flaw, not merely the screenwriter’s need for conflict. The farce doesn’t play here because the conflict is so unnecessary. And the movie skips over important scenes which would be pivotal if this plot actually merited significant attention. But it doesn’t, so what would be pertinent in a good movie happens offscreen in this one. Also: of the two kids, the little girl is a good actress and has been good in other movies; the boy is terrible. He cannot act. I don’t know how he got the job. Some producer’s kid, maybe.

Locke

No clue why this had so many positive reviews raving about its brilliance. One reviewer wasn’t sure how an entire movie about one guy in a car managed to not be boring…easy; it did not manage this. I won’t say nothing happens, because events do occur and lives do change - offscreen. Over the phone. The whole movie is this guy driving and talking to various people on the phone, telling them things they don’t pay attention to, and then it’s over. Seriously; no one listens to him. He tells them what they should do and they don’t do it, then call him back and ask him what to do. Or they just flat out refuse his advice. It’s fucking ridiculous.

If there were actually some tension generated by the fact this guy is in the car on the way somewhere and can’t help the idiots more directly, I might go along with it, but there's no sense of anything truly at stake. And how many times does one man need to talk to the same four people on the phone in ninety minutes? Nobody does that! And nothing is fully resolved: he’s still driving when it’s over, having said what he intends to do, but why listen to himself when no one else does? So anything could change. Just a dumb gimmick that didn’t work, despite Tom Hardy actually being very good. Too bad the material gave him no chance of success.

The Mortal Instruments: City Of Bones

Just another dumb adaptation of a dumb book series written for teens to make them feel like they’re not special and they can’t do anything important. Yes, that’s exactly what I think these stories do, even though they claim to be empowering, and the kids only like them because they like the fantasy that they aren’t in fact just like everyone else but special and powerful and magic and all other kinds of bullshit. Every person - adult, teen, or child - is indeed unique, while still sharing the same fears and doubts as everyone else, even though they think they don’t. These movies don’t promote that. They promote the idea that even though you think you are just the same dull human being as everyone else, maybe you have magical powers you don’t know about yet, you’ll meet a nice vampire, you’ll find the courage to save your oppressed kingdom...fucking stupid escapist fantasy bullshit.

Even if it weren’t, the movie’s just bad. It creates numerous story threads it then leaves hanging, the characters are turkey-slice thin and poorly motivated, plus the direction prefers hectic what-the-fuck-is-happening-ness to properly showing the action. Nothing but dull rubbish trying to capitalize on an already popular product. From what I understand, it failed; a box office bomb. Good. Fuck that noise.

The Other Woman

Again, a story intending to present itself as empowering to a particular demographic - in this case women over 35 instead of under 17 - but instead is stupidity piled on top of itself. Nobody in this movie thinks like a rational, sane, adult human being. They do the dumbest possible thing at every turn...or if not something pea-brained, then just plain old petty and puerile, not to mention simplistically selfish.

And for a supposedly "adult" comedy, it sure goes for the lowbrow laughs. Bad sex jokes in every breath, except for when the cheated-on ladies secretly slip the bad guy some laxatives for the purpose of a bathroom scene with nasty splashy farty sounds which goes on for a LONG, LONG time. Ha. So hilarious. Don’t they realize Dumb & Dumber is the pinnacle of this gag (no pun intended) and can never be improved upon? Leave it out of the script and try to be intelligent instead. Even without that stinky scene, the whole movie smelled the same. I knew it would be bad but watched it anyway just to see where and how it went wrong. The answer: everywhere, in every way.

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And now, a first: on BOTH lists, we have…

Troll 2!!

SUCH a bad movie - but so amusing to watch, and make fun of, and watch again for how awful and funny and stupid and delightful it somehow ends up being.

So yes I loved it, but it’s terrible. Downright horrific! Best worst movie indeed.