Bad, Bad, & Worse

I am often more disappointed in lousy movies when I want to see them, when I think they might actually be good. Expectation does play a part. With the best movies, there are some I left out because they were as good (or even better) than I expected, and I was not alone in that. Ratatouille, for example. I loved it, but I thought I would, so it didn't make the list. Still a great movie.

But the bad ones, even if I expect not to like them, are often so terrible that they exceed my expectations in their badness, just as the good ones can exceed my expectations of their goodness. And that is why the bad list has a top five (or bottom five, depending on how you look at it) and a big list of runners-up. Despite my recent reviews for Haute Tension and No Country For Old Men, they didn't make this list because they're not quite bad enough. The reviews are negative, but High Tension is well-made, despite being such crap, and No Country is really quite excellent until 3/4 of the way into it, which I reiterate is not a bad story, but a bad way of telling it. Go read the review if you want to know why.

Also, I again mention the means by which I saw the movie. Keep in mind, on this list, many of those I borrowed from the library were checked out because they were there, and they were free; I would otherwise not have bothered to see it, thinking it was probably not a good movie. Same deal with some of the cable viewings. Others I'd heard good things about and was in utter shock how seriously awful the movie turned out to be. A prime example...


Babel (rented, full price)
I made an effort last year to see each of the Best Picture nominees before the Oscars, and as many of the other major nominees as well. Some, like Showgirls, I refuse to ever see, because it looks SO awful I know I can't sit through it. It amazes me how anyone can look at a performance in that movie and award it. But, that's a rant for another post. This is about Babel - A highly respected movie that I picked up at the video store on Saturday, one night before the Oscars. I couldn't believe how terrible it is. Most of the various characters do the stupidest possible thing to get into these situations, then they do even stupider things to make them worse. It was horrible. I can't remember ever seeing a movie so contrived that wasn't a dumbass low-budget horror movie one might see spoofed by MST3K or Svengoolie. And when the characters aren't doing the dumbest thing they could possibly do, they're caught up in five-minute music video-type segments, that seem to go on much, much longer, and do nothing to advance the story...what story there is, anyway. I feel sorry for the decent actors in this mess, made to look stupid by the pathetic excuse for storytelling. They deserve better.

I admit that I should have known better; remember the BMW films of a few years ago? The worst one of the eight was as equally stupid and contrived and horrible as Babel. What I didn't realize until the Oscars were all over is that Babel and this BMW film Powder Keg were written & directed by the same two guys. So I looked up the other films they've made together, now no longer surprised to discover I'd heard good things about those too, and cleared them from my must-see list. Good riddance.

Little Children (rented, full price)
I'd seen In The Bedroom about a month before the Oscars, simply because I wanted to see Todd Field's first movie before I saw his second, and the first one had been up for a few Oscars in its time, much like the second one was this past year. In The Bedroom will show up further down this list, but I will also say that it was not as bad as Little Children, which again, I wanted to see before the Oscars. I love Kate Winslet, and she was very good in her portrayal of this character's emotions...too bad the character's actions were so stupid, as were those of pretty much everyone else. There was no reason for anyone in this movie to do anything that they did, say anything that they said, or feel what they were supposedly feeling. Bad, bad writing. No motivation. Dumb, dumb, dumb. I hate when movies like this are generally respected, because they're so awful, they're just so stupid...nobody acts like that, nobody thinks like that! Suspension of disbelief is for larger-than-life stories, not introspective dramas. There's a ridiculous voice over, and a whole scene devoted to the outcome of a football game played by about ten people. Three married women see their married friend suddenly kiss a married man they just met and they run away like they're in immediate physical danger. It's all just so stupid, I can hardly believe it.

The Fountain (rented, with coupon)
No big Oscar nominations that I recall, but still highly touted. And I like Darren Aronofsky's first two movies. Why he turned out pretentious garbage his third time around, who knows? And who cares. Even if the movie made perfect sense, it's still pointless. And I'm pretty sure I get it; it's not complete nonsense. But it's just stupid...except for the music, which is really good but not nearly enough to save the story from its own stupidity.

Here's an example - the modern character, Izzi, has some kind of brain tumor that affects her nervous system in such a way that she can't feel even extreme changes in temperature. That's not the ridiculous part; that's 100% medically feasible...the ridiculous part is that Aronofsky demonstrates this character trait to us by writing a scene in which her husband comes home to find her sitting on the snow-covered roof without a coat, and her feet bare. Hello?!? She may have lost sensation in her nerve endings, but she's not totally stupid, right? She does know that snow is cold, doesn't she? What really makes this lousy writing is a follow-up scene in the tub that demonstrates the same inability to feel extremes in temperature...except this second scene is actually touching and poignant and makes its point in a very natural way. If you take out the scene with the bare feet in the snow, this tub scene works great. But he had to do it twice. A big rule of screenwriting is: never say twice what you can get across saying once. He should know better.

Brick (library)
This is one I managed to find in the library that was actually on my must-see list. I'd heard so many great things about it, nabbing it for free was quite thrilling. That was the last thrill I had in relation to the film. The story is so stupid. Nothing these kids do makes any sense. Nothing these kids SAY makes any sense; I could barely understand a word. I had to turn on the subtitles. The language, with its made-up slang and pseudo-noir tones, was absolutely clear to me once I knew what words they were actually saying. But the constant mumbling and garbled tones and fast-speak is just lousy filmmaking. And as for setting a story in a modern high school but playing it as film noir...nothing but a gimmick. And it wears off real fast. The movie has no style, no flair, no reason for being. Skip it.

Wedding Crashers (rented, with coupon)
It made a lot of money; everyone said it was funny...what a sad group of moviegoers we have when this is what they call funny. Putting people in ridiculous situations and making them act silly is not comedy. Comedy is creating interesting characters who find themselves in situations of conflict and watching what they do, in character, to resolve it or get out of it. And the two main characters in this movie are such misogynist assholes in the beginning that there really is no way to overcome it. It's too extreme, because in movies these days, extremism is substituted for actual characters and actual comedy. All of the characters are extremes of one-dimensionality. Pick a personality trait, blow it up, give it to someone. It's pathetic. Some people will laugh at anything.



I believe those are the worst five. Here are some others that truly suck.

Must Love Dogs (library)
I didn't think it'd be super good, but I hardly expected it to be truly awful. Watching this movie is like watching a dog with no legs swim upstream...it tries so hard, but it's got nothing to work with.

Happy Feet (cable)
Yes, I already bitched this movie out in a previous blog, but it's so, so horrendous, I had to mention it here. I found out after writing my review that this Oscar-winning Best Animated Feature used motion capture for the dancing. Sounds like a bullshit shortcut to me; why does that not disqualify it? Who cares, really; the movie is so boring and stupid. A friend of mine said even her three-year-old could not tolerate it. I love that kid.

Moulin Rouge (library)
So many people are so in love with this movie; how many times were they dropped on their heads as infants? It's just a mess. Why is it cut so fast even in non-active scenes? Why are they using known music & lyrics for songs and dialogue the characters are supposedly making up on the spot? That's damn close to plagiarism, not to mention just plain stupid, and not at all entertaining. Happy Feet did the same thing...not a pattern to emulate, if you ask me.

My Best Friend’s Wedding (library)
A friend of mine told me this is her favorite movie...she's still my friend, but, ouch...I have to question her sanity. People do not behave like these characters. And the plot was so utterly predictable. Not a good sign, when your characters are totally unrealistic yet their actions are completely predictable. That is not good writing. And when such talented and charismatic performers like Julia Roberts and Cameron Diaz do nothing but annoy the crap out of me...that's lousy direction. Toss this one into the fire.

American Dreamz (library)
I thought it would be stupid but entertaining...I was half right. It has a few good ideas, but the whole thing is very badly executed, and occasionally offensive. Nice going.

Bus Stop (library)
I thought this was supposed to be a classic! I can't help but love Marilyn Monroe, but the script is so awful, the characters so badly drawn, and the scenes so incredibly long...this story should never have left the stage.

In The Bedroom (coupon)
Same problems as Little Children, only not as bad. Unbelievable characters, lack of motivation, good performances. A conflict that nobody tries to resolve is not really a dramatic conflict; it's a device of the writers to keep their characters in jeopardy. Try again, please.

Catch and Release (paid)
Terrific screenwriter Susannah Grant becomes a director here, and forgets to work on the script until it's actually good. Quality performances can't save this mess.

The Black Dahlia (coupon)
Brian DePalma is one of those long-time directors who is generally considered an auteur, but only seems capable of doing half the job. He's great with camerawork and atmosphere, but is consistently unable to tell a decent story. Considering it's based on real events that remain unsolved, there's very little mystery in this predictable plot, less than half of which has anything to do with actual history. And the rest of movie, in following the lives of its fictional characters outside the pursuit of information related to the title character, is rather unfocused. A major disappointment.

Spider-Man 3 (coupon)
Sam Raimi used to be a real filmmaker, but the Spider-Man movies have half-assed screenplays, lousy acting, and over-direction. Three strikes; he's out. He should wait in the locker room with Bryan Singer until they're ready to do something good again.

My Super Ex-Girlfriend (cable)
I figured Ivan Reitman would be able to make this movie at least somewhat decent, but I was wrong. It isn't funny, or interesting to watch; not even to watch it fail. But it was expensive!

Borat (cable)
The jokes go on too long, and the bit isn't funny after the second time he acts like an ass in front of people who don't realize it's an act. The character is meant to be annoying so anyone who's in on the joke will find it funny, but it isn't funny; he's just annoying. I only laughed at the throwaway jokes, like hearing the pet bear ran away and seeing her head in the fridge. Now that's funny...because they did it in a wide shot, not a close-up. More gags like that and I'm closer to being on board.

Eragon (cable)
I knew it'd be kinda lame, but I overestimated the ability of anyone involved in its production to judge a story. I don't know how they can show themselves in public. It's so bad, it's practically a parody. If they played the Naked Gun theme over a couple action scenes, maybe it'd work better.

Miami Vice (cable)
Michael Mann is like DePalma in that he's a strong filmmaker in some areas (mood, design, research for his actors & department heads) and incredibly weak in others (geography of a scene, story development). There's no emotion here, like it's not even about anything. I gave this a chance because I like Collateral...my mistake.

Bats (Netflix)
This is one of those movies I've always wanted to see just to know how bad it is. And wow, does it suck. It's so laughable, it was totally worth it.

I expect to have less free time this year, and I'll be without HBO pretty soon, as they're going to want to charge me for it, so hopefully I'll see fewer crappy movies overall. It'd be a welcome change.