Pirates....arrrrr

The new Pirates of the Caribbean movie comes out this weekend, and a friend invited me to a midnight show on Thursday. Since I never got around to seeing the second one, I rented it a couple days ago. Wouldn't want to go to the theater unprepared, now would I? So, with the second movie fresh in my mind, and the third one looming on the horizon, I have pirates on the brain. And there are a few things I don't understand.

The main thing that boggles my sensibilities is the hype. The fandom. I'm often a movie geek myself, and I can really get into the intricacies of a cinematic creation, but, man...these Pirates fans are out there! They are so into it, and I honestly don't see what's so special about the films. They're entertaining; absolutely. They're fun, they give the viewer an enjoyable experience, they star three of the most beautiful people on the planet...but they're really not that good. The story goes all over the place. Events seem to occur for the sole purpose of creating an action sequence, and not out of a naturally developing storyline. It's not great writing. It's creating a script out of a movie, not the other way around.

Okay, so most fans aren't really going to care about the story as much as I do, right? Well, no; they actually seem to care a great deal about the tiniest details. Problem is, they seem to think these details actually make sense. They respond to the character's actions and motivations as if half the things they do don't come out of nowhere, simply so the movie can continue. And I know, people will say that Jack Sparrow's motivations are supposed to be unclear, because he's a pirate, a scalawag, a deceitful, charming rogue...that's not what I'm talking about. That's context; I'm referring to content.

Near the beginning of Pirates 2, Bootstrap Bill Turner shows up to talk to Jack...where did he come from? How did he get there? He grabs Jack's hand and somehow causes this weird black spot to show up there, which apparently means the Kraken will now chase Jack, because he has the black spot...how did he give him the spot? Later, Davy Jones takes the spot away? How? Why? Even later, the spot suddenly grows back! With no provocation? WTF?

I know there are answers to these questions, that the fans I'm referring to know all about these things, but my point is, the movie doesn't make these things clear in the first place, because it doesn't think it has to. I think it should, because I consider it bad writing not to, but, as long as a viewer understands that this black spot on Jack's hand means the Kraken will come after him, that's enough. If you understand that, you know why he gets away from the open sea, and you know why the Kraken shows up later. And the Kraken has to show up later, because it's a big cool action sequence, and, this being a summer movie, it needs to have a number of big cool action sequences. Who cares why, right? I do...

So anyway, these fans get into the tiniest little details about Will and Elizabeth, and whatever Jack is up to, like the movie is a giant tapestry of mystery and there are riddles to be solved...like it's an intricate construct of love and betrayal and supernatural elements and blah blah blah...it isn't. Even though many small details are skipped over for the sake of bringing the storyline to all the major sequences, it's pretty straightforward. The fans talk about clues and hints and the simplest of actions as if they have some great meaning beyond their part in the story...they don't. It's just a fun movie. Let it go, freaks.

Enough about the movies; I've also got real pirates on the brain. Well, maybe not real pirates, but what is referred to these days as piracy, namely, bootleg DVD's. I don't get it. Who would want them? Why would anyone want to buy, even at what might be considered a nice cheap price, what is basically a home video of an actual movie? Someone sits in the theater with a camera, records the movie, and people actually want to watch this recording? Why? It looks like crap, it sounds awful, and if you want to get technical, it's stolen property. I fail to comprehend the inclination. It's low quality, and illegal. How is that appealing? Come to think of it, I may have just figured this out...

This may sound familiar to some of you, if you're reading this; you know who you are: good, fast, cheap; pick two. That's on the production end of making a movie. But this piracy/bootleg problem may be operating under the same dictum, and apparently, there are millions of fools out there choosing fast and cheap for their viewing pleasure. It's pretty stupid, really. I mean, if you need it fast, go to the theater! That's why it's there, for you to go see it right away! If you avoid the theater because you need it cheap, then wait for the video store to sell a used DVD. If you can't wait and you can't pay, you won't get quality. And if you don't need it to be good...why do you even bother? What's the point of watching or owning a movie if it's no good?

Even though I'm not a big fan of the Pirates movies, I do think they're worth the rental price. If I did really like them, I'd certainly think they were worth the purchase price. I even think the third one is worth the ticket price I paid to see it tomorrow night. Because I may not be a fan of these particular movies, but I am a movie fan. I only wish that everyone who buys or views a movie had as much respect for the craft as I do.